Hopefully Vegas stops giving you framerate issues shortly because I am very irritated by stuttering, haha. I was an early adopter of G-Sync monitors, even… The black crush is less annoying but still something to experiment to correct.

Anyway, nitpicks:

The wipe transition at 3:57 might’ve been a little fast, but honestly if kerperlo hadn’t mentioned it, I probably would’ve assumed it was from the original episode. Ditto for 4:43. Iirc, TCW often has quite quick wipes; and I checked and I think both of these are in the original episode.
~~Similarly, the cut at 9:53 didn’t stand out to me. I checked and I think it’s in the original episode too.~~ (I just noticed you already wrote that these are part of the original episode, whoops.)
I can see the argument that the way you’ve cut up Obi-Wan’s arrival changes the flow, but I think there has to be something in between the two Vizsla and Satine scenes, and Obi-Wan turning up on his speeder serves that role well enough despite being brief. It could even be said to add a little tension that you have that scene about “someone very powerful working toward’s [Satine’s] downfall” where you do, I think.
The wipe from Satine to Satine at 13:27 seemed strange and could probably be a straight cut if you can crossfade the music over a long enough period. Of course, this is also in the original episode! Clearly the editors for TCW weren’t as picky as we are here on OT, haha.
I found the fighting sounds over the commlink very well-placed for comedic effect. Of course, it does beg the question of why exactly Obi-Wan needed Satine there to help him punch Death Watch.
The shot at ~13:42 feels like it has the sound slightly out of sync, but it doesn’t in the original episode, for once.
“The boss’ll love his lightsaber”… say the Mandos who just decided to ignore Kenobi to go and check out the disturbance at the entrance instead? Doesn’t quite work for me.
Could you keep the shot of Kenobi getting kicked unconscious, and adjust it so Satine only arrives at the entrance after that, and they respond to the “disturbance at the entrance” then? I think we should get the sense Obi-Wan has more firmly lost the fight/been incapacitated before the Mandos run off. But then I guess Obi-Wan is awake again to save Satine moments later…
Still, the question of why Obi-Wan decided to drag Satine into the fight is lingering. She winds up doing nothing to help him and yet still demands thanking.
I feel this sequence is pretty well edited, not quite the “mess” kerperlo sees it as, but I’m not sure the conveyor belt removal is worth the questions it raises. The conveyor belt is hardly the silliest thing in TCW, and while I did enjoy the sounds of Obi-Wan fighting over the commlink, with these edits as a whole it seems like Obi-Wan drags Satine into danger for no reason.
The episode transition is handled gracefully. Of course, this is one of the more straightforward ones, and I can see it being more of an issue in the future. You could possibly slow it down and start the wipe sooner, but that’s not entirely necessary. My super minor nitpick would be that the transparent edge of the wipe is not quite blended the right way - Star Wars wipes tend to be less linear, but this is a minor technical point and I’m not sure if it’s something you can easily correct in Vegas. You could even just hard cut here, perhaps.
The cut at 23:06 is remarkably abrupt but I can see from the original episode why this is. Could you extend the elevator noise over the cut more, or bring Obi-Wan’s voice in earlier or something? Hmm.
Unlike the conveyor belt, removing the little spiders really does have no negative effect on this episode, huh.
Overall, it works well; just a small concern around the conveyor belt removal.

What was your plan with the Duchess of Mandalore episode, again?

Irrelevant general TCW ramblings: I always knew Pre Vizsla was Jon Favreau but this is the first time I’ve really noticed it. I also forgot how many suicides there are in TCW! I wonder if Bad Batch will be like that. Having this episode so early is still a really good idea: it’s definitely good to get the darksaber involved so early for anyone coming to this from Mando. I love the banter in Voyage of Temptation - “collection of half-truths and hyperbole known as Obi-Wan Kenobi”! “Yes, but he usually leaves out the undercurrent of remorse…”. I really enjoy Obi-Wan’s ‘relationship’ with Satine as a contrast to Anakin’s marriage to Padme; one of the best bits of the show for setting up ROTS. “Right… no Anakin, she’s not my-”. The spider controlling the clone’s corpse is very spooky. “…and slugs are so often trod upon!” is awful though, but I love it. I also love how Anakin just stabs Tal Merrik. Classic.