That’s true. Your approach is actually more in par with what was done in Solo than the main film series. It still has that vocabulary I mentioned, though.
One thing I just realized is that with Maul making an appearance at the end, your similar crawl could be another cool visual tie to the series. However, I don’t expect you to look to that film for inspiration. IMO it’s very forgettable.
As for the length of the text, I think that around the same amount of text that a traditional narration has would be alright. I think yours for ep1 is great.