I feel the other shot better rhymes with TPM and ANH and just feels more Star Warsy…or at least it would be those things if it weren’t moving! I really want to end on a static version of that shot because it just looks wrong when the iris to credits happens on a pan, but I don’t see any way to remedy it here.
Your version just cuts from space to space so it looks really weird.
I had used the same starfield so that the cut would be invisible, but I can accept that it would seem weird since that ‘invisible cut’ has never happened in Star Wars before.
However, ESB used a cut from space (with ships) to space and in my eyes that looks a lot weirder since there’s still an iris out between starfields.