I feel the other shot better rhymes with TPM and ANH and just feels more Star Warsy…or at least it would be those things if it weren’t moving! I really want to end on a static version of that shot because it just looks wrong when the iris to credits happens on a pan, but I don’t see any way to remedy it here.
Your version just cuts from space to space so it looks really weird.
The only other think I can think of for you would be to extend that group shot somehow… I doubt a static version exists at all.
The more difficult option would be to move the evacuation of D’Qar into TFA, or at least a truncated version. Maybe cut from the Falcon leaving to a Star Destroyer arriving above the planet? Then down to Connix or something. Or maybe you could create a pan back from the jump over to the transports loading, the post-crawl opening shot of TLJ. It would take more work and the film would end on more of a downer… but it might salvage the last of time between films. Then open The Last Jedi with the discovery of Hyperspace tracking, since that’s already the inciting incident.