Hmm, I don’t think there are enough shots to really make this work. Plus, the additional Rey dialogue doesn’t really sound like it fits into the ambiance of the environment. I understand what is going on based off of your explanation, but I think it wouldn’t be totally clear without that context.

I wonder if you could do a similar thing as you’ve done in a past attempt, where you went from:
Rey’s Intro
Poe Interrogation
Rey Meets BB-8
Finn Rescues Poe

You could try that order again, but have Rey meeting BB-8 occur the next morning, which could be established with some kind of dawn establishing shots and a different color grade.

I know I’ve probably suggested this before and you probably had a good reason for this not working. But I wonder if you could just combine Poe’s Interrogation and Finn’s Rescue, and since we’ve removed Kylo’s line, “I leave that to you”, we could now have Ren say, “We have what we need” or “We have what we need from him”. And maybe add some sinister music over that line and Hux’s expression. That way, when it cuts to the stormtrooper entering and say Ren wants the prisoner, it leads the audience to believe Poe is about to be executed.