Just a couple of things. Don’t hint at some disprespect towards a character. I called Rey by her name (YOUNG REY) in the crawl, and LATER I called her “the girl”. How should I name her? I don’t get what problem there is with this. I don’t get how that is not serious.
I don’t mean to sound harsh, I’m just offering my perspective as an audience member.
Just consider this: if you were tasked with rewriting the opening crawls of Revenge of the Sith or Return of the Jedi (those movies specifically), would you refer to the main characters as “Young Anakin,” Young Luke," or “the boy?”