I think it’s the last sentence that pinpoints our disagreement here (which, really, doesn’t matter much since it’s your edit and it only needs to satisfy your tastes, examples of which are proving to be pretty damn impeccable on your vimeo page) - I’m not arguing that you need to cast him as “purely” megalomaniacal, but really that trying to do ANY of his character’s heavy lifting IN the crawl isn’t a great idea. The crawl is basic plot setup - usually the most you get in the way of character description is an adjective, and that adjective is a descriptor that is already really, really obvious. (“Vile gangster, etc…”)
His motivations aren’t obfuscated, really. What’s obfuscated is his willingness to turn to the light, a willingness not really made clear until way later in the movie (for good dramatic reasons, too). That’s done on purpose, because a redemption that’s foreshadowed is a redemption made rote. He needs to, at the least, seem like THE BAD GUY at the beginning of the movie (same way Vader did at the beginning of ROTJ, or alternately, the way Anakin was set up as a very swashbuckling hero at the beginning of ROTS) so the dramatic heft of his reversal and redemption arc is as realized as possible.
Basically, phrasing his goal as something that seems so inherently GOOD as “ending the cycle of war” - a phrase that calls attention to itself as a universally recognized POSITIVE goal, and ascribing it to him specifically is an act that softens the character before he even appears. It’s not even a Kylo specific thing: Any redemption arc in a movie needs to start with that character in a position where redemption seems unlikely. If you’re setting him up before his first scene as someone pursuing a goal as good-sounding as “ending the cycle of war” you’re basically borrowing up-front before the story’s even really started, from the sympathy the audience will be giving him on their own later.
Anyway, that’s why my suggested rewrite took out the phrase. His redemption packs more punch and is better executed if there aren’t any hints at his better nature being referenced in the crawl.
Also, thank you for the time and patience you’re showing in pursuing this line of feedback with me. I know you absolutely don’t have to, you don’t owe it to anyone, especially since I’m not actively helping you with your edit. But I do appreciate the back and forth, and even if the suggestions get rejected, I’m glad you’re still open to hearing them. Thank you!