EDIT: Sorry if I’m being redundant! If you feel like I’m going in the right direction I could try writing an actual crawl based off your most recent one.
No this is good you have some good insights.
Finally the phrase that I want to include that no one else seems to want to is Kylo Ren wanting to “end the cycle of war once and for all.”
Yeah, I rewrote it the way I did there because it’s basically putting key characterization advancement in the crawl, and whether or not I disagree with that particular shading (and I kind of do - at that point in the movie and in your edit, he’s not trying to “end war,” he’s trying to rule unchallenged from his dictator position, and squash all potential enemies) I think it’s kind of a not-great shortcut to his eventual redemption at the end of the movie that gives away the game way too early.
To me, including that sentence isn’t shedding light on his arc, it’s shortcutting it. It’s kind of unfairly altruistic to describe his actions as “ending the cycle of war” at that point, especially if the only reason its being included is to dramatically shorten the jump from “Starts as bad guy, dies as good guy.” For the redemption to carry as much weight as possible, he needs to be bad for the first half of the movie, and read as such the most strongly in the beginning, so his arc actually has an arc to travel. The insinuation that he’s going to turn is made super-clear as it is in the movie already, dedicating crawl-space (ha!) to further hitting that idea feels a little overkill.
Completely disagree. There’s a difference between the goal and its methods. What I’m establishing is 100% in line with his words and actions in TLJ. He wants to end it all (or “let it all die”), but they way he’s doing it is crushing the Resistance. If he wants to end the cycle of war, that’s noble, but obviously if the way he’s going to do it is with a planet killing fleet (which is what I set up in this crawl), that’s not exactly altruistic in any way.