I actually do like the mention of Kylo wanting to end the cycle of war.

I agree with your overall mindset about the crawl, too. Sometimes when I write crawls, I try to map out the cause and effect in order for the paragraphs to flow well together. It also helps makes the stakes clearer.

This isn’t written as a crawl, but this is kind of an outline I think could work well.

Paragraph 1: Because the legend of Skywalker has sparked hope across the galaxy, the First Order resources are spreading thin from quelling countless rebellions.

Paragraph 2: Because the First Order is vulnerable, the Resistance races to unite these scattered freedom fighters in order to turn the tide of the war to their favor.

Paragraph 3: Because Kylo Ren is desperate for a solution to this problem, he chases whispers of a lost Imperial fleet that can help him end the cycle of war once and for all.

It’s similar to the crawl you posted recently (I actually looked back at it after I wrote this because I forgot exactly what it said). The difference with Paragraph 1 is that explicitly mentions the effect of the events of the Last Jedi directly inspired these rebellions. It also makes the state of the First Order clearer: Their resources are being exhausted from quelling uprisings.

Because of this, Leia wants to seize this opportunity to tilt the scales by uniting these disparate factions together.

Because the Resistance is growing, Kylo is looking to counter their growing numbers with a brand new (old) fleet. I like the phrase “chasing whispers” because it could refer to literal rumors, or whispers in his head.

What I like about making these opposite goals clear is that I think it better sets up the final battle between a fleet of united worlds versus a fleet of old imperial warships. It makes the final battle feel inevitable, in a way.

EDIT: Sorry if I’m being redundant! If you feel like I’m going in the right direction I could try writing an actual crawl based off your most recent one.