I feel so lonely having never had a girlfriend. At my age most people are sexually active while I’ve never even kissed someone. It’s not like I just want a relationship to not feel left out, it’s that I want one anyways and everyone else having one makes it feel so much worse. I don’t get involved with incel communities since they’re a bunch of misogynistic fatalists (to varying degrees, but even r/incelswithouthate has a pinned thread for members who killed themselves, so I don’t feel at ease there). I always try to have a positive outlook on life, and while I do what I can to focus on other things for the time being, after a while you can’t help but let your thoughts drift back. It’s not really something you can indefinitely ignore. I’m alone and it hurts.

Sure, I have friends, but I’ve recently been coming to terms with how finite all these relationships are. At least online relationship are potentially permanent. A Discord server I founded on this principle is approaching a year of age, and while it did become pretty barren in some parts, it’s relatively thriving now, with many of the original members still present. 19 members is pretty good. That said, I’m still doing 90% of the posting, but maybe I just post too much, doing so several times a day.

Meanwhile I’ve done fuck all to further my film career. What can I say? It’s hard to develop and become invested in project that’s limited to a shoestring budget. I’m used to writing fantasy, so you can see how this is difficult.