If anything, I would cut, “If you don’t face Palpatine, it will mean the end of the Jedi, and the war will be lost.” To me this line is too reminiscent to this interaction with Luke and Obi-Wan.
Obi-Wan is basically giving Luke an ultimatum, kill your father, or let the Emperor win. Luke later proves him wrong, so I don’t think Luke would/should give Rey a similar ultimatum. Not because of the implication that he’s telling her to kill Palpatine, because obviously she has to do that, but I think that kind of sentence puts a lot of pressure on Rey and not the best thing to say at this moment. I like the conversation being focused on her and her fears, rather than the bigger picture and her responsibilities.
I disagree. It isn’t really the same scenario. Vader was Luke’s father, and he wasn’t irredeemably evil like Palpatine. If Luke told Rey to kill Kylo, then I would understand where you’re coming from. But I feel like Luke has to emphasize that Palpatine is going to destroy half the galaxy. The stakes are huge, you shouldn’t make a molehill out of a mountain.