Originally posted by: Trooperman
Episode II
SHROUD OF THE DARK SIDE
Ten years after Palpatine gained
power over the Galactic Senate,
unrest once again pervades the
galaxy. Several thousand star
systems intend to secede from
the Republic.
2nd paragraph is fine.
Queen Amidala, now serving as
the senator of Naboo, returns to
Coruscant to vote on the critical
issue of creating an ARMY OF
THE REPUBLIC to support the
overwhelmed Jedi….
I know that formatting will work because I entered in into my own template and checked for spacing. I believe the text addresses all concerns that have been brought up, and believe it is final at this point. Yes, Padme is still a queen and a senator in my edit.
Another option for paragraph one, however, is...
Ten years after Palpatine
assumed leadership of the
Galactic Senate, unrest once
again pervades the galaxy.
Thousands of systems intend to
secede from the Republic.
This isn't my first choice, however, because the spacing isn't as good and I'm not able to get as specific about how many systems are seceding, and also "star systems" clarifies a bit. If everyone hates the 1st paragraph, however, and you do use this paragraph, please don't force justify the last line. But my first choice is the one above.
Case closed
I'm still thrilled to pieces that I'm actually getting a custom made crawl for this film.
MTHaslett- I can help you figure out how to get the media to me- that won't be a problem. I would love a sample of your voice ahead of time, though. I will PM you with details sometime in the future.
I might not be able to post for a while (family over), so I hope I've been clear.
Episode II
SHROUD OF THE DARK SIDE
Ten years after Palpatine gained
power over the Galactic Senate,
unrest once again pervades the
galaxy. Several thousand star
systems intend to secede from
the Republic.
2nd paragraph is fine.
Queen Amidala, now serving as
the senator of Naboo, returns to
Coruscant to vote on the critical
issue of creating an ARMY OF
THE REPUBLIC to support the
overwhelmed Jedi….
I know that formatting will work because I entered in into my own template and checked for spacing. I believe the text addresses all concerns that have been brought up, and believe it is final at this point. Yes, Padme is still a queen and a senator in my edit.
Another option for paragraph one, however, is...
Ten years after Palpatine
assumed leadership of the
Galactic Senate, unrest once
again pervades the galaxy.
Thousands of systems intend to
secede from the Republic.
This isn't my first choice, however, because the spacing isn't as good and I'm not able to get as specific about how many systems are seceding, and also "star systems" clarifies a bit. If everyone hates the 1st paragraph, however, and you do use this paragraph, please don't force justify the last line. But my first choice is the one above.
Case closed
I'm still thrilled to pieces that I'm actually getting a custom made crawl for this film. MTHaslett- I can help you figure out how to get the media to me- that won't be a problem. I would love a sample of your voice ahead of time, though. I will PM you with details sometime in the future.
I might not be able to post for a while (family over), so I hope I've been clear.
But the problem still remains - you're using past tenst for the first line and then present tense for the rest - it's bad use of English and just sounds wrong.
If you want to eliminate the Apostrophe you could say something like 'ten years after the manipulation of the senate by Palpatine' but you have to be consistent in your use of past/present tense.