This is perfect spacing and it's exactly want I want for paragraph, to the letter. 3. "Returns" in this case is not improper grammar. Take away the bit sandwiched with commas ("serving as Senator of Naboo") and you get, "Queen Amidala returns to Coruscant to vote on the critical issue of creating an ARMY OF THE REPUBLIC to support the overwhelmed Jedi...." Nothing wrong with that one. It's the same as "Pursued by the Empire's sinister agents, Princess Leia races home" etc. in the original.
Which brings me to the first paragraph. I just realized they have an apostrophe in the original crawl (as I just saw above). Coupled with the grammatical inaccuracy of what I had before, heck- I'll use this one, exactly (to the letter) as it is in this screengrab:
I believe that everything is now crystal clear.
Oh, and as for "ARMY OF THE REPUBLIC" on one line....that's kind of like how they originally had "DEATH STAR" on the same line in the original SW crawl but had to split it up onto different lines when they reformatted it in '81. Not a big deal at all.
As for all the input on the crawl- I love it. I'd much rather have too many opinions than too few.