I do think your first paragraph is too short, the others a little too long maybe. Starkiller’s AG’s whole crawl is too brief, I think.

Just as reference, here are the Original Trilogy crawl word counts:

Paragraph 1: 24, 32, 29

Paragraph 2: 30, 27, 27

Paragraph 3: 29, 22, 22

Total: 83, 81, 78

I’m just gonna throw out another idea that tries to fit within this format.

Luke Skywalker has vanished. In his absence, the mysterious FIRST ORDER has risen from the ashes of the Empire and will not rest until Skywalker, their greatest threat, has been destroyed.

During their exile, the First Order constructed a weapon more deadly than the dreaded Death Stars, capable of destroying any star system from across the galaxy.

Held hostage by this hidden weapon, the New Republic mobilizes a covert Resistance to locate their long-lost hero before their new enemy finds him first…

I wanted to try to keep the exposition regarding Starkiller, but also maintain the focus on finding Luke. Illustrating that the First Order is focused on finding Luke before anything else might help justify why the First Order hasn’t already attacked the Republic.