It’s too wordy, though. That’s the #1 mistake people make when writing SW crawls - overdoing it.

In that vein, Nev, I think the last part of your second paragraph:

…with a weapon more deadly than the dreaded Death Star, able to destroy any star system while hidden in the depths of space.

is overly cumbersome. I’d probably remove the Death Star reference:

…with a devastating weapon able to destroy any star system while hidden in the depths of space.

I’m not enamored with “while hidden in” for some reason either, but I’m not sure what I’d replace it with.