Cool idea! Looks pretty good I think. I think we take for granted how a well-placed establishing shot can help buffer a scene. It’s a thought I’ve had recently while I’ve been thinking about Prequel edit ideas.
When you originally talked about it, I liked the idea of the transition from Kylo looking outside, to the dogfight, then down to Han and co. also watching the dogfight. But you should trust your judgement. I would like to see some mockups up the scene orders you’re thinking about.