Yes, it works 😃

But I’d make it shorter, this should be like the troopers searching Tatooine’s desert. Just a few seconds.

You can also place a Destroyer in orbit of the planet (so we understand where the transmission is coming from), and intercut the stormtroopers with the hologram (break the sentences on “rebel base”).
Breaking the sentences makes it look as if the communication was longer and we are only seeing the important bits, it becomes more dynamic.

But it’s fine as it is, just sharing ideas 😃