Thanks, LordPlagueis, for taking time to interact with the edit and propose potential improvements for V6.
You’re welcome. A few further suggestions:
- The opening crawl asserts a thousand solar systems “have revolted”
and calls Count Dooku “mysterious,” but the separatists have not yet declared war and the characters know who Count Dooku is. I would suggest revising the opening crawl:
A decade after the invasion of Naboo, the galaxy is fragmented. Thousands of systems have threatened to rebel against the Republic.
This separatist movement, under the leadership of the treacherous Count Dooku, has overwhelmed the Jedi Knights, guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy.
Senator Amidala, the former Queen of Naboo, is returning to Coruscant to speak against a radical security measure which would inflame tensions and engulf the galaxy in a civil war…
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To pan down instead of up, The Approaching Storm reverses the shot of the fighters and the cruiser before rotating but neglects to reverse the shot of the fighters and the cruiser after rotating. The rotation should change the relative vertical orientation of space.
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The dialogue in the chancellor’s office flows unnaturally. Palpatine interrupts Mace Windu to express confidence his negotiations will succeed. Then Mace Windu finishes his sentence. Then Palpatine asks Yoda if he thinks it will come to war. But if Palpatine is confident his negotiations will succeed, why would he ask Yoda if he thinks it will come to war?
Perhaps reorder the dialogue:
PALPATINE: More and more star systems are joining the separatists. Do you think it will really come to war?
YODA: Hmm, The Dark Side clouds everything. Impossible to see, the future is.
WINDU: There aren’t enough Jedi to protect the Republic. We’re keepers of the peace, not soldiers.
Or cut the exchange between Palpatine and Windu.
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When Anakin and Padmé leave Coruscant, Padmé tells Captain Typho “Take good care of Dormé,” but Dormé replies “He’ll be safe with me,” as if Padmé had told her to take good care of Captain Typho, the opposite of what she said.
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I might have mentioned this, but there is an abrupt musical transition in the “Encouraged to Love” scene when the line “You’re exactly the way I remember you in my dreams” is cut. I would either restore the line or isolate the vocals and rescore the scene.
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There is an unpleasant musical key change in the Obi-Wan and Mace scene where their dialogue is trimmed. I would separate the audio from the video and cross-fade the clips in Audacity to correct this.
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It would be ideal to include Obi-Wan’s Jedi starfighter taking off, flying through the atmosphere, attaching to the transport ring, and taking off into hyperspace. Then fade to black, transitioning to the freighter arriving on Naboo.
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Would it be possible to include the dream sequence but regrade a shot of Padmé sleeping from Revenge of the Sith in order to appear as if she is sleeping next to him? Octorox’s edit is similar.
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Cutting Anakin’s murder confession altogether implies that either (1) his actions were justifiable or (2) his actions were unjustifiable and he feels no remorse. Either alternative ruins Anakin’s moral complexity as a protagonist. If Anakin’s reference to slaughtering women and children like animals is cut, the love story is still believable. See L8wrtr’s edit of the scene.
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Since the clones are genetically modified to be less independent and more docile, it is more logical for the Jedi to issue military orders to the clones.
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Would it be possible to mute the battle droid’s “Roger Roger”?