That’s pretty cool! That’s a nice new transition you’ve made, and it sounds good. I also like the quick cut to Kylo Ren’s face and the intense strings, during Rey’s second attempt.
In this version, you do lose that idea you had though about Han and Finn’s arrival distracting Kylo and buying Rey enough time to escape. Although I’m guessing you’re still trying to imply their arrival somehow encouraged Rey to try again, right?
EDIT: Also, nice touch with maintain special continuity by having the room Kylo exits be the observation room through use of the glowing light effect in there. Pretty clever!