I think it is Good, I think the Caladan Part flows much better than the Introduction. Pauls Dream is well done here also.
I think I can kind of see what you have in mind and building things slowly. And it is refreshing and introduces things more slowly.
To focus on the Intro here are my thoughts on this part.
I like the shot of the Fremen Standing listening and the 2 moons that we’re added.
To break this down to how it would of went I noticed something Key to how the Visuals would be represented.
Forget the Sand of the Desert throw the desert away visually get rid of it.
Have her Voice simply over Drops of Water inter-dispersed with some brief Images (Moons shot and Rings and Stars smoke an eye) that have meaning but Abstract then fade in to her Hands Being Cupped Keep it very Minimal. After this it was originally Meant to show a water Drop similar to what is in the Bladerunner DVD unused credits over the Guild ship Landing so Perhaps use the Deleted Bladerunner Credits scene for inspiration. Inter-disperse the shot of the Fremen warriors between the Shots at the end leaving a pause between her lines feel like Jump Cut.
If you do something like this I think it would be Perfect. But I don’t think it is Bad I just think we need to get to what the Visuals are and she is not meant to be seen until her Hands Dissolve through the Water. Use Dissolve Transitions Frequently like I said Transparency.
https://youtu.be/kQGTVdLibuo?t=26
Time an Opaque Water Drop When she Lifts Her Hand up like Pauls Hand surrounded
by the Water and the Rings see how that works.
You could Build this from a black screen all the way up to a dissolve into her Hands being Cupped.
THe Caladan Part is Good I have no Critique on it. You will Obviously get rid of TV edit Voiceover I assume.
Thinking of the only Report that we get in the film that survived I noticed that it is spoken by Kyle Mcglaughan, (SEcret Report within the Guild) but something tells me it should not be… Were these Reports to be given by the Thinking Machines? Perhaps a more Robotic Synthesised voice would be more fitting. It feels off and I think they were thinking Paul would have this as part of the Film Book sequence which is Dumb because it is for the Voyeur of the film and not any character that would feature in the film.
Perhaps…
https://www.speaknspell.co.uk/
Lol 😃