I like the second one better. I get what you were going for, but I don’t think anyone would really pick all of that up just by the extra subtitles.

I also would keep Teedo saying something like “It belongs to me!”
Because Rey saying “It belongs to itself!” doesn’t work as well without that previous line.

Either a variation of either version, or, “I found it first! It belongs to me!” Maybe Teedo initially thinks Rey wants the droid for herself.

It is a nice little extra moment, and people might pick up on the “you will” mind trick phrase, but I think that is as far as it should go. It could add another layer to Rey, but it doesn’t bend over backwards to try and establish something either. I don’t know it if it is really necessary but it is an interesting addition.

A random thought I’ve been having, but what if you made Ello Atsy, the Abednedo Resistance pilot that dies in the Starkiller battle, the same Abednedo in TLJ and just don’t have him die in TFA? It would give the film a nice additional character that carries over to the next film, like Billie Lourd’s character Connix.

You could just change his English dialogue with alien dialogue (which you might could get from Battlefront 2, since it does feature Abednedo voice lines in an alien language), and cut the shot of him dying. I would also trim the “trench run” as much as possible too, since it is really an uneccessary visual callback. Maybe just show Poe fly into the trench, a brief moment of him flying down it, then him closing is S-foils and flying into the Oscillator.

Anyway, glad you’re able to work on stuff again!