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Post #1250009

Author
DuracellEnergizer
Parent topic
The Original Trilogy Radical Redux Ideas Thread
Link to post in topic
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/1250009/action/topic#1250009
Date created
17-Oct-2018, 10:29 PM

Alright, here’re all my ideas for Return of the Jedi: The David Lynch Cut:

  • John Williams’ score is replaced with a discordant Lynchian score.
  • Bib Fortuna is replaced with The Mystery Man from Lost Highway.
  • Jabba is given large, disgusting pustules, which The Mystery Man constantly lances and drains.
  • The Black Lodge inhabitants from Twin Peaks & Fire Walk with Me are among Jabba’s courtiers.
  • Oola is given a heart plug, which Jabba pulls out before tossing her to the rancor.
  • Leia is forced to perform a striptease for Jabba and his men.
  • The Sarlacc is made even more vaginal in appearance.
  • Leia strangles Jabba so hard, his entire pustule-ridden body bursts in gory fashion.
  • The Death Star II is now a shell encasing a miniature black hole. This black hole is the gateway to Palpatine’s extradimensional throne room. Palpatine’s throne room is now identical to Snoke’s (red walls and all that).
  • Palpatine is given white, cataracted eyes, and he speaks “backwards”.
  • Force Ghost Obi-Wan is now a living tree with a fleshy mass for a head.
  • Madine is now a member of this alien race, and constantly drinks/eats/smokes/etc. through the top of his head.
  • Luke & Leia have visibly uncomfortable twincestual sex right before heading off to Endor.
  • Michael J. Anderson’s face is superimposed on all the Ewoks.
  • The Ewoks eat all of Han’s extremities before Luke performs the floating Threepio trick.
  • Leia is forced to carry a limb-less Han on her back throughout the rest of the picture.
  • Luke & Vader enter Palpatine’s throne room through a psychedelic 2001-style stargate sequence.
  • Instead of firing a green superlaser which blows ships up, the Death Star II fires an inverted violet/black singularity beam which sucks ships down into the miniature black hole, crushing them out of existence.
  • Palpatine’s Force lightning looks/works exactly the same way as the Death Star II’s singularity beam, and affects Luke by spaghettifying his body and drawing him into Palpatine’s being.
  • After Palpatine is thrown down the reactor shaft and explodes, a giant, ghostly sperm cell rises from the abyss before fading away.
  • Sebastian Shaw is replaced with old Mark Hamill.
  • The Rebels take out the Death Star II by destroying the miniature black hole.
  • “Yub Nub” & “Victory Celebration” are replaced with “In Heaven (Lady in the Radiator Song)”.
  • Force Ghost Yoda is now a giant.