For those who have been following my current emotional dilemma… it seems lunch isn’t happening, but it’s just going to be us two and another friend at this big fair. She helped put together my costume and I bought her ticket. We’re carpooling… so I think I’ll start this talk on the way home. Enjoy the time we’ve got and go from there. Very nervous, but after I managed to cry (yes, I ended up forcing myself to cry yesterday, don’t tell Dom) I feel a little better.
Good for you, really. The crying I mean. I wish I could make myself cry, I’ve tried many times and it’s never worked. I have very inactive tear ducts and I appreciate every chance I get to make use of them - always a very cathartic experience.
Anyway, I’d caution you to slow way down with this friend. Based on your past posts here, it seems like a) you don’t have many friends or good friends, and b) you’ve had poor success in terms of dating. Which tells me it’s possible that due to the desperations of a limited pool, you may be jumping to a conclusion about your feelings for this friend that might not be up to snuff. I’m just speculating here of course. It may seem like you’re “in love” with her but that may not be the case. There’ve certainly been times in my life when I thought I loved someone and couldn’t think of anything but them for weeks or months. But, when things inevitably didn’t work out, and I got over it, I was able to look at things with a critical eye. In some cases, yeah I was in love. But in most, not at all. Basically what I’m saying is I wish I had someone to knock some sense into me and tell me to actually consider if it made sense for me to be with that person.
All I’ll say is, if you struggle for friends as much as you say you do, I’d be very careful about jeopardizing a relationship with someone you consider your best friend, which is typically exactly what a declaration of love would do. In my opinion, you should not say anything and wait it out and see if your feelings are true, and if it seems like there’s a possibility she feels the same. If you absolutely must tell her (which again, don’t recommend), I’d be careful not to make a big deal of it and not to say that you “love” her, just indicate that you might have feelings for her and ask her how she feels - there’s a precarious line between seeming honest and seeming creepy.
When did telling someone you love them become something creepy?
People sometimes get freaked out when you tell them you love them even when you’re in a relationship with them. The word carries a lot of weight, and hearing it from a friend can definitely be extremely overwhelming and off-putting.
Imagining myself on the other side, hearing a friend tell me they love me would absolute freak me out and probably discourage me from a potential relationship. Whereas, if they came to me rationally and said they might have feelings, and wonder if I ever considered the same, I would probably think on it a bit and might even go for it (depending on my preexisting feelings for them). The thing is this: when someone tells you they love you, it puts an immense pressure on the person being told. They feel this immense need to respond - like they need to either say it back, or reject right away. Chances are incredibly high that she won’t feel the same - in terms of “loving,” again very strong word - so she’ll feel the need to reject it outright. Whereas, if someone comes in a much less direct and emotionally charged way, saying ‘hey, I might have feelings,’ there’s a space where there isn’t that feeling of pressure to either reciprocate or reject, and they can just think about it without feeling like they’ve been cornered.
I understand that maybe they might feel like they are cornered and many times it may be better to say “I have feelings for you”, but sometimes saying “I love you” is right thing to say, depending on where the couple in question are in their relationship. I mean if you can’t I love you, how are you ever going to get to the stage in a relationship where you can ask the person to marry you?