Thanks for the feedback guys. I appreciate the different perspectives.
@Nev
I think you raise a good point about the First Order’s goals.
While clearly the First Order officers wish to restore the Empire to its former glory, it is interesting that the crawl decides to focus on their mission to destroy Luke Skywalker. I personally think this is because this is Supreme Leader Snoke’s first priority. Because it is, it has become a part of the First Order’s main objective.
I think one thing you have to decide is whether or not to make that their stated objective in the crawl, or that they want to return to power, like your crawl does and Hal’s restructured crawl also does.
I’m not saying I really prefer one or another, but I wanted to make some points why focusing on the FO wanting to find Skywalker might be important.
First, in the first scene of the film, they are also after the map to Skywalker. Pretty much their whole mission in the film revolves around getting that map. Destroying the Republic, at least for Snoke, is merely a means to an end in order to prevent Skywalker from returning to the fight.
Also wanted to point out Snoke’s line the film:
“The droid will soon be delivered to the Resistance, leading them to the last Jedi. If Skywalker returns, the new Jedi will rise… Our strategy must now change.”
I also wonder if making their stated goal, to return to power, would hurt the audience opinion on the Republic since they would find the First Order’s goals obvious, so they would wonder why the Republic wasn’t doing anything about it. If the crawl focuses more on their hunt for Skywalker, well, the Republic might not be as concerned if they think the First Order’s focus isn’t on them. Does that make sense?
Though if we do decide the “return to power” angle is better, I think the way you have it worded, “with ambitions to restore their fallen Empire” is one of my favorite variations yet. You’re basically saying that the phrase “restore their fallen Empire” helps get the idea across that FO wants to return the Empire to its former glory, which is why their tech seems upgraded, clearly militarizig, and of course be building a super weapon to fit in with the philosophy of the Tarkin Doctrine. That does make sense. Still prefer “uncharted space” though!
But I think my obsession with making the crawl’s have a focus on Luke/the Jedi is because Luke is sort of the thesis statement of these new films. Luke Skywalker has vanished, but we need him to save/unite the galaxy. So tying the stakes of the conflict with finding Luke emphasizes why that is important.
In the theatrical crawl, it says Leia wants Luke’s help to restore peace/freedom to the galaxy, but I want it to feel like finding Luke is critical to their mission’s success. Everything is riding on this.
While I don’t think hope needs to be restored just yet in the story, if you have a phrase like I had, “Convinced that the Jedi are their key to victory” or some variation of it, you would still be emphasizing Luke’s importance while still setting up the FO goal of restoring their power. Since Luke is crucial to a Republic/Resistance victory or advantage, of course the FO would be trying to stop that. And a line similar to, “Leia has sent her best pilot to find Luke before their new enemy reaches him first” would still establish finding Luke also as the FO’s current objective while still having the broad goals mentioned in the first paragraph. I think it also helps create a sense of urgency even before the movie really starts. Who will find Luke first?
@Dom
I appreciate your perspective about the “First Order spies” angle, I feel I kept bugging Nev about how that angle was perfect and should use it for his crawl, but I’ve been reading different opinions and have slowly been coming to a similar conclusion as you. And I think Nev said the same thing to me. "If the Republic has already been compromised, is it already a lost cause?” is another point I’ve heard. While it has been compromised in canon, maybe it wouldn’t be best to emphasize that angle.
And like you said, it is a little bit truer to that theme in the new films.
"With the New Republic unwilling to start another war, General Leia Organa mobilizes a private/covert Resistance to counter the rise of this growing Imperial remnant.”
Another reason I like this phrase is that allows you add a little extra info that the First Order is an Imperial Remnant, if the first paragraph is too wordy and felt you need to cut/move a bit of FO information.
So, you have could have a first paragraph like,
"Luke Skywalker has vanished. The mysterious FIRST ORDER has emerged from uncharted space and will not rest until Skywalker, the last Jedi, has been destroyed.” or sort a variation of Nev’s, “In his absence, the mysterious FIRST ORDER has emerged from desolate space with ambitions to restore their fallen Empire.”
To TLJ
Intersting perspective. I don’t necessarily hate, but I am surprised how highly you think of it! Also curious what your issues are with the Empire crawl. I aways felt that it should have said “led by Princess Leia” rather than “led by Luke Skywalker” but didn’t really have any problems outside of that.
I totally get what you’re saying. The first paragraph is meant to emphasize the dire situation the galaxy is in. I think for me, I just don’t want it to feel like the Republic is completely gone with a snap of a finger, back to square one. I kind of think the Republic should still be at least mentioned beyond being “decimated". I also don’t like how D’Qar is referred to as a “rebel base”. Personally, I don’t like how they were so quick to revert to calling themselves “rebels” before the fight has barely even started. So let me propose a version with very light changes, rather than be totally overhauled.
The FIRST ORDER reigns. Having decimated the Republic capital, Supreme Leader Snoke now deploys his merciless legions to seize military control of the galaxy.
Only General Leia Organa’s band of RESISTANCE fighters stand against this rising tyranny, certain that Jedi Master Luke Skywalker will return and restore hope to the New Republic.
But the Resistance has been exposed. As the First Order speeds toward their vulnerable base, the brave heroes mount a desperate escape….
-Having decimated/destroyed the Republic capital/the Senate/Republic Senate/Republic homeworld/Republic leadership
-to seize military control of the galaxy/New Republic/Republic
-restore hope to the crippled New Republic.
-to what remains of the New Republic
-return and reunite the shattered/fractured New Republic.
I actually think I would prefer something like this with minimal changes.