It’s really shaping up nicely.
I don’t know if you’ve already done a version like this, but would it work better if we don’t see the bit where Poe slides into the trench? Maybe just keep the beginning of the shot where Finn’s speeder slides across the ground, then cut right to the blast traveling down the beam to keep Finn’s wreck and the blast in the same emotional moment.
That would be a hard transition. When the Ram fires, the downed ship has completely stopped, there needs to be a scene to “fill the gap” between the crash and the firing.
I’ve watched that section a few times, and even before the camera zooms out to Poe, the speeder is still moving a bit. It would feel odd even if you time it right before the zoom out to the blast … it will feel off.
I’d have to see it in practice, but even cutting after Poe’s speeder hits the trench (before Poe says ‘Go, go quick!’) might keep the two moments connected. It might also be a music thing - in the original, there was a stretch without music where Finn runs to Rose and they have a conversation, but here there’s an inexplicable lack of music for only a brief moment before starting up again. Perhaps to bridge this musical gap, cut straight from Finn’s ship getting knocked out of the way to a flipped shot of Rose’s downed speeder with Rose unconscious and the blast traveling down the beam.