I like this version a lot, but there’s still a few rough spots. After Rose gets shot down, we hear Finn call her name and then almost immediately cut to a shot of him looking grim. It feels very strange not to have a reaction shot from him before that moment.

Maybe you could cut straight from Rose getting shot down to a wide shot of the weapon beginning to fire and the interior of the base (where they might hear Finn shouting for Rose over the speakers), and only after that returning to Finn’s look of grim determination.

The other rough place is that we immediately go from the weapon charging its blast and the aftermath of the explosion. Obviously it would be difficult to use much in between that, but there might be enough footage to imply that Finn got to Rose and revived her for a moment to show that she wasn’t dead. It’s unfortunate that to show the blast you’d also need to show the kiss, but maybe that would play better in this sequence of events.