Tomorrow I will put together a crawl that is mainly your first and third paragraphs from your previous crawl, with a reworked second paragraph that still introduces the super weapon.
I would like to see how you manage to include information about the superweapon without it feeling too wordy. I’ve just about hurt my brain trying to do that.
In the meantime, I’ve reworked my more ‘geographic’ crawl in a way that implies (but doesn’t state!) that Luke had a mission beyond just looking for the first Jedi Temple:
The Republic is in crisis.
While mapping uncharted
Imperial space, the legendary
Luke Skywalker has vanished.
Desperate to know the
full power of the Imperial
FIRST ORDER which
controls these regions,
the Senate supports a band
of rebels in their quest to
return the last Jedi and
his vital intelligence to
the Republic.
Learning of a clue to the
Jedi’s location, this brave
RESISTANCE has sent
their most daring pilot
across enemy lines,
unaware of the sinister
forces lurking in the
darkness beyond…
The reasoning behind this crawl is based on my trying to make sense of the maps in this movie. For example, it is a well-known fact in the EU that the galaxy has a vast unexplored region, and this is where the Empire was exiled. However, this is never stated in the movies. Also, we are told that the Resistance doesn’t have enough information to locate Luke with just the piece of the map given by Lor San Tekka. Since the piece of the map is quite a large section of what looks like the entire galaxy, and since it is established in TLJ that this isn’t a map of another galaxy, then it means that Tekka’s piece is part of this vast unexplored region of Imperial space.
Also, since R2’s map has a specifically-shaped missing piece and also includes a continuation of the orange dotted line from Tekka’s piece, R2’s map cannot be merely an old bit of Imperial data. It almost has to be that Luke completed this portion of the map and either gave it to R2 before vanishing, or completed the whole map and split the sections between Tekka and R2. It seems unlikely that Tekka came up with his part of the map independently of Luke, though that is still a possibility. Either way, the almost-complete map in R2’s backup memory must have been a relatively recent addition since it has evidence of being part of his search for the Jedi temple.
All of this implies that the unknown regions of the galaxy are now much less unknown after the events of TFA, which really should be mentioned in the text of the movie somewhere. Focusing on this part of Luke’s activity in the crawl allows for this, as well as orienting the viewer in the galaxy for maybe the first time in the saga.