That’s certainly an interesting take on crawl. It reads like three separate ideas, which is probably needed to establish everything that’s going on in TFA, but I feel like the paragraphs of a Star Wars crawl should flow from one idea to the next in a strong and logical manner.

The original TFA crawl does this in a way:

Luke is gone.
Because of this the Empire 2.0 now exists.
They want vanished Luke dead for some reason.

Because of this, Leia has formed the Rebellion 2.0.
She wants Luke to solve everything.
A Republic exists again by the way, and is helping.

Leia sends her best man to find a clue on Jakku.
The planet’s name is Important Somehow.
Pan down to movie.

The ideas don’t make much sense in themselves, or are derivative of the OT, but they at least form a narrative.
The ideas in your crawl do connect, but I’m having trouble following the flow from one idea to the next.