I agree with all these criticisms, and I definitely want to keep some version of this last paragraph.

There is just too much information. I want to talk about why the Jedi are important, how the First Order has gained power, what the political situation actually is, etc, etc. But it all feels clunky as you say.

So here’s a version that focuses just on the geography of the situation, and though I’ve taken a few liberties with some things I think it makes a lot of sense:

The Republic is in crisis.
While searching the galaxy
for a mythical Jedi temple,
Luke Skywalker has vanished.

Fearing his capture by the
Imperial FIRST ORDER
which patrols this unknown
space, the Senate has
secretly mobilized a band
of Rebellion fighters to
follow the path of the
last Jedi and return him
to the Republic.

Learning of a map to
his last known location,
this brave RESISTANCE
sends their most daring
pilot across enemy lines,
unaware of the sinister
forces lurking in the
darkness beyond…