This edit is AMAZING!
Every change you made works, and the Elfman soundtrack was sorely missed in the original.

However, I have had trouble ignoring the quality issues.
If the video were of higher quality, and you were given help by someone who knows how to add sound to footage, they could hypothetically isolate the dialogue and just replace the audio effects. There seems to be a community of people who like “Re-Sounding” film scenes, that could be done to a whole movie, hypothetically.
Make the cuts, outsource to be re sounded, then add soundtrack?

That is the only way you could improve this edit, no recommendations other than that.

PS I can no longer listen to descent into mystery without thinking of the red book scene!