Porgs are revealed to merely be the protrusion into our dimension of hyper-intelligent pan-dimensional beings who are actually bent on controlling the galaxy. The First Order and the Resistance reluctantly join forces to defeat them.

Rey and Kylo battle a giant Porg in the finale. Phasma returns only to be eaten by the giant Porg, who spits out her armor. Just when it seems they will lose to the giant Porg, Broom Boy™ saves the day.

Lando finally shows up at the very end, with a plausible explanation as to where the heck he’s been the past two movies.

Luke wakes up in a cold sweat safe and sound at his Jedi Knight school. The entire sequel trilogy revealed to be a bad dream. Millions of Star Wars fans take up hard drinking.