I really want a drink. Truthfully the only reason I haven’t had one is because I’m scared of how it would react to my blood pressure medicine… That I had to be put on because of my years of heavy alcohol abuse.

I never said I was smart about taking care of myself. Lol

I don’t even know why I want it. I don’t physically crave it anymore. Pot gives me all the benefits it did minus any of the side effects and I’ve lost 20 pounds just in the past five weeks since quitting. (Not that I particularly needed to but it’s still nice nonetheless). I don’t know why I want it, I just feel like I need something heavier. I feel like I’m missing part of myself, like drinking was part of my identity. I have a mad self destructive streak and pot just doesn’t cut it I guess, despite having all the positive effects I guess pot just isn’t destructive enough to satisfy me. Which is insane. Maybe I’ll get over it. Maybe I won’t. Feels like I’m dying anyway and events in my personal life have a huge part to play in that and if I had my life of 3 months ago back but with my sobriety I would be on top of the world. This has become very rambly and I honestly don’t even remember what all I’ve said and I don’t feel like reading it back. I haven’t drank or anything I’ve just become so disconnected from everything lately I feel like I’m a million miles away from everything and everybody.