that would be interesting to see, but as an 'Alternate Ending'
the one point im unclear on however is the last two points. At first it seemed to flow like how it would work on screen. but then the last two points, if not just a recap of the scene, dont fit because you have old - fade to new - add padme/qui-gon - back to old missing the characters that were just added - then back to new.
but if you cut those last two lines I think it could flow nicely as a nice alternate ending.
-Darth Simon