Lets address the elephant in the room luke trying to kill his nephew this is how I think it should be changed.

original
i saw darkness i sensed it building in him i seen it in moments when he was dreaming but then i looked inside and it was beyond what i ever imagined Snoke had already turned his heart he would bring destruction and pain and death and the end of every thing i loved because of what he will become and for the briefest moment of pure instinct i thought i could stop it it passed like a fleeing shadow and i was left with shame and with consequence and the last thing i saw where the eyes of a frightened boy whose master failed him

take the SNOKE HAD him and snip it together with the me line from strike ME down with anger and I will always be with you
to make it seem like Snoke was manipulating both sides

i saw darkness i sensed it building in him i seen it in moments when he was dreaming but then i looked inside and it was beyond what i ever imagined Snoke had already turned his heart he would bring destruction and pain and death and the end of every thing i loved because of what he will become

Snoke had me and i was left with shame

and the last thing i saw where the eyes of a frightened boy whose master failed him