-The ability to erase memories. If I could get rid of the ones that started this whole snowballing mess, I might not be in such a dark place.
-Peace of mind.
-A job which doesn’t make me beg for death.
-The courage to make some changes, any changes, which could improve my life.
-The balls to listen to my therapists when they give me good advice.
-My passions back. I feel so numb to the world. I used to voraciously devour so much of what I love. Now I can barely muster the energy to do things.
-The ability to stabilize my crisis of faith and be comfortable around religion like I used to instead of having it trigger these attacks.
-The chance to see my family and give them my gifts (I’ll actually be getting this!).I’m really not want for any material things, thigh I can think of some I’d like. I’d much prefer to have spiritual comfort, a little serenity, and the ability to control my own thoughts again, and the courage to fix my life. Though I would like the technical knowhow to burn myself those Despecialized Blu-rays 😉.
PS: Can I have a personal gibbering Minion?
You echo some of my desires and anguish. Though cliche to say it, never let the dim lights, or lack thereof, color your perception of the world for good. A certain set of circumstances and events have led to the person you are right now. A certain set of circumstances will continue to happen, some with faint impact, and some with major currents to affect how your life will guide towards; for the best or for the worst. Nevertheless, it’s my honest and humble opinion it’s worth suffering in order to truly appreciate the goodness in the world. Always a new experience to have, always a new person to meet, and always a new nugget of wisdom to taste (and swallow if so desired). Perhaps nothing is clicking, and nothing is giving way at the speed you would like; but think of these obstacles as weak dams. Eventually it has to give to the flow of the water. It has to give when enough is enough. It doesn’t mean such occasion will guarantee everything will be fine forever, but every bit helps nudge towards that serenity you seek.
I only say it with bias as someone that chose a decision, for the better, that I never thought I’d do, but sometimes something just snaps in the face of staleness and drone of life, and perhaps it’s necessary to feel that state of an unbalanced spirit, to feel the slow slog of life, so that you can truly enjoy the joy of change you wanted and earned.