I feel like there must be a mention of the base in the crawl, since otherwise it feels like the Starkiller comes out of nowhere halfway through the movie. Force Visions are going to be more prevalent in my edit, so I think there would be some payoff to establishing them here.

I agree that it’s still too complicated and full of information. Reading the Star Wars crawl yet again, I see how it tells a story in miniature with the battle, the plans, and the chase. The original TFA crawl tried something similar with Luke as the focus, but I think it was rather sloppy. Here’s Luke again, though not mentioned by name:

The last of the Jedi Knights
has vanished. In his absence,
a sinister FIRST ORDER has
risen from the fallen Empire,
constructing a weapon that
can devour entire stars.

Haunted by visions of this
deadly threat, General
Leia Organa mobilizes a
covert Resistance to search
for her long-lost brother,
now her only hope to save
the new Republic.

Sent on a daring mission,
Leia’s most trusted pilot
has discovered a clue
to the last Jedi’s fate,
while far overhead,
evil approaches…