I’ve found myself feeling generally worried without any particular point of focus. I can’t sleep. My epileptic auras and ticks are becoming more noticeable. My stammering is beginning to return. I think out loud way too much and sometimes more loudly than I am comfortable with. I frequently start sentences and … <THAT
I think it could be that lots of my friends and family have more tangible problems and I am becoming aware that as time rolls forward and the canvas and frame of my face is becoming a bit more antique I might lose them.
My partner is particularly someone I worry about. His night terror attacks, heavy drinking and smoking are wearing me a bit thin. Especially now that I work quite a bit from home and while typing up reports in the night I hear these terrifying screams from his room. I want to help but I can’t force him to seek it and as much as I care I don’t know how much more of it I can take. If I left, which is something I constantly have considered for 15 years and something were to happen to him I would be utterly demolished. Then I feel guilty for turning his poor health into an issue of my own preservation.
It’s never been an easy relationship, when drunk he can be a very challenging presence and we haven’t been anything other than people who try to like each other and share a house for about ten years. We have separate rooms etc
I also worry that I have invested so much time with my life in it’s current mode that the bloom is somewhat of this particular rose. I am only 47 but with my own health problems and the low percentage of gay people in this neck of the woods my chances of building a new life may have already sneaked off down the pub and not come home.
Another vector in us staying together so long is that it makes financial sense. The mortgage is paid. The bills are easy to manage. If we broke up it would be very expensive and I would have to work much longer hours to keep a roof over my head. My partner is finding it impossible to find work at the moment. He feels that ageism is a factor, he is also very over-qualified in a market that likes to dangle skills incentives at younger, less expensive employees. He is angry all the time and much more so when drunk. He shouts and yells at the radio for hours at a go and while I sympathise it does set me on edge. Other times he be pretty supportive. Helping out with proof reading and that sort of thing. He looks amazing, he is 11 years older than me but looks younger than me.
I keep checking to see if he casts a reflection 😃
I don’t feel depressed. It’s just a sort of low hum of doom around my life at the moment. The whole political thing doesn’t help either. Maybe my mood will lift on its own. I have built up some savings on the off chance that if doesn’t. It’s good to vent though, it’s important to get some perspective.