Well, the psychoanalysis evaluation didn’t reach my psychiatrist. They fucked up, in layman’s terms. They were also supposed meet with my mother, and someone fucked that up too. Not encouraging. I turned 30. I’m disappointed that as a virgin, I did not receive my wizard powers. I started splitting the medication I was on because it was making me a fucking zombie who slept 18 hours a day. If I’m honest, I secretly liked that because being asleep meant I didn’t have to think.

I’m in hot water at work, my manager pulled me into the office and bluntly told me I’m not moving fast enough and that I could get transferred or lose my job if I don’t scan more items more quickly. No customers have complained, mind, I’m just not meeting with their statistical standards. I called my union boss, almost crying, and she never called back. We’re doing a remodel which means a big chunk of our checkouts are closed and even our main restrooms. I’ve been getting really good hours lately, but the stress of work is almost unbearable. And I need my job for money for all kinds of things, not to mention my insurance to pay for my therapists I don’t listen to, psychiatrists, and especially medicine which isn’t helping. I’ve been miserable at my job for over a decade, but I’ve never made any effort to get another, resigning myself to a “devil you know” situation. Now I’ve accumulated 11 years of seniority and I almost feel like I can’t leave. It’s all I know.

Then there’s the crisis of faith that I think has culminated in me losing faith. Yes, apparent YouTube videos were all it took to shake my “faith.” Some fucking faith. The melodramatic way I articulated it was by saying that I feel like I’ve lost something essential to myself and feel broken without it. For someone who barely thought about faith for many years, suddenly I’ve become obsessed. I’m so scared, existentially, spiritually scared. I just don’t know anymore. Maybe this isn’t fixable.

Fuck, I’m sorry for the pity party. I just needed to get some stuff out.