There's some really brilliant stuff in that last post. As Klokwerk said, some of it contradicts what I have planned already, but I will incorporate as much of this as possible. I'd also like to break your post down so as to comment on individual notes. Speeder chase:
Cut most of the banter. Let the excitement of the chase take over without the bickering. Maybe keep "What took you so long" but omit the response. The next conversation should be when Obi Wan says "Well, you lost him." Keep their exchange up through the line "I hate when he does that." That gives them some history and makes Anakin good since he kept his mouth shut before pulling this cool stunt.
I definitely agree about the bickering. Although I am a bit partial to the "Well, you know, Master; I couldn't find the speeder I really liked." All dialogue after that will definitely be cut, but I still don't know about the aforementioned line.
Oh, and about the speeder chase: The big differences with this is alternate ship sounds for Zam's ship and the speeder (as well as color desaturation). Anakin's free-fall has been shortened. Some percussive music will be replaced with more orchestral music. The power couplings scene will probably be cut. And when Anakin first gets into the speeder and backs out of the lot, that was very unconvincing graphics, in my opnion. Too quick. So what I've done is end that scene with the shot where Anakin goes from right-frame to left of frame, going to the next scene. A backwards sideways wipe does the trick.
When he crashes Zam's ship and has to roll on the ground, cut the action so he recovers almost instantaneously and starts running after Zam -- make him seem unstoppable rather than having that beat where he holds his ribs and catches his breath unconvincingly.
Absolutely! Complete loss of momentum. Makes Anakin look wimpy and will be cut.
I think all the ObiWan/Anakin dialogue through this cantina scene is fine until Zam is dying in their arms. Anakin's angry "Tell us NOW" should be cut, leaving only his first, more sedate line reading.
Easy enough. But why? (just curious)
I will definitely re-edit that scene, even more heavily than you have described. Music will definitely crescendo as they kiss; then, cut out of scene to the arena; no need for the cheesy shot of them riding out into the arena, especially with change in music.
Finally, the battle scene where Amidala falls out of the ship and Obi-Wan has to fight Anakin's urge to stop and save her should stay -- that's great stuff and will work as-is to support this new Anakin story. I recommend keeping it as written.
Still thinking of improvements on this...
With these changes, this movie will have a strong and likable Anakin. This will make him the Jedi who clearly has deep troubles and real love which in Episode III cause him to throw everything away for the chance to save Padme.
Definitely! Thanks so much for all of this great advice. Your name will go in the credits. Sorry I can't say more; I'm busy right now but will chat more about this later.
Well since your doing this, I think that this scene would be good to be in it. The "you haven't learned anything Anakin." Make's the "I try" line less akward(in my oppinion). The footage is on one of the Trailers and, in the music video on the DVD.
Cut most of the banter. Let the excitement of the chase take over without the bickering. Maybe keep "What took you so long" but omit the response. The next conversation should be when Obi Wan says "Well, you lost him." Keep their exchange up through the line "I hate when he does that." That gives them some history and makes Anakin good since he kept his mouth shut before pulling this cool stunt.
I definitely agree about the bickering. Although I am a bit partial to the "Well, you know, Master; I couldn't find the speeder I really liked." All dialogue after that will definitely be cut, but I still don't know about the aforementioned line.
Oh, and about the speeder chase: The big differences with this is alternate ship sounds for Zam's ship and the speeder (as well as color desaturation). Anakin's free-fall has been shortened. Some percussive music will be replaced with more orchestral music. The power couplings scene will probably be cut. And when Anakin first gets into the speeder and backs out of the lot, that was very unconvincing graphics, in my opnion. Too quick. So what I've done is end that scene with the shot where Anakin goes from right-frame to left of frame, going to the next scene. A backwards sideways wipe does the trick.
When he crashes Zam's ship and has to roll on the ground, cut the action so he recovers almost instantaneously and starts running after Zam -- make him seem unstoppable rather than having that beat where he holds his ribs and catches his breath unconvincingly.
Absolutely! Complete loss of momentum. Makes Anakin look wimpy and will be cut.
I think all the ObiWan/Anakin dialogue through this cantina scene is fine until Zam is dying in their arms. Anakin's angry "Tell us NOW" should be cut, leaving only his first, more sedate line reading.
Easy enough. But why? (just curious)
Padme packing to leave:
OMIT this entire scene (please!).
The only problem I can see with that is the fact that we don't know that Padme is leaving Jar-Jar behind with her responsibilities. I wa toying with shortening and re-editing this scene.
Padme: I do not like this idea of hiding.
Anakin: Well, I don't like this idea of leaving behind Jar-Jar to make political decisions. I know that idiot better than you do, Padme.
Padme: He's grown up. And so have you, Anakin.
I've kind of written myself into a corner, though. That whole thing may indeed go.
I'll use the trial scene, with the Geonosian subtitles from the "lost edit" of Ep. II by Rebel Scumb. The dialogue is brilliant.
HEAVILY RE-EDIT this scene and it will work beautifully. First, the music is badly mis-cued in the original edit and secondly the dialogue is horrible. But the scene and the performances are good -- so try this: They stand together and Anakin reaches out to say "Don't be afraid." Padme replies "I'm not afraid to die." He looks at her. She looks at him with love. He looks at her with confusion, she looks at him with a little tear... closer we move until she says "I love you." He gives her a disbelieving look, but she looks at him with tears in her eyes -- we know she means it (this may require dropping out the dialogue on some shots and cutting so her lip-movement doesn't look like talking). Finally, they move in together to kiss and as they kiss the MUSIC CRESCENDOS! The current edit crescendos after they draw into the arena -- but by that time the important stuff is already over. This will work, the performances are there -- just held back by all that awful talking.
OMIT this entire scene (please!).
The only problem I can see with that is the fact that we don't know that Padme is leaving Jar-Jar behind with her responsibilities. I wa toying with shortening and re-editing this scene.
Padme: I do not like this idea of hiding.
Anakin: Well, I don't like this idea of leaving behind Jar-Jar to make political decisions. I know that idiot better than you do, Padme.
Padme: He's grown up. And so have you, Anakin.
I've kind of written myself into a corner, though. That whole thing may indeed go.
REPLACE it with the shots of Anakin asleep in a bed having a nightmare about his mother. This is the perfect place to reinforce Anakin's primary problem: his dreams.
That is definitely a perfect place to put it. But it could still work even if I used the other scene. The nightmare would end, and then wipe to Anakin staring out the window at the next scene.
Anakin/Padme romance scenes: I have made detailed plans as far as this goes. Here's what I've planned so far:
-Anakin/Padme talk on the way out of ship.
-Dinner scene. Edited so that scene ends with, "Yes. I'm afraid she is."
- Grassy picnic scene has been completely reworked. Starts with short montage of mountains while full-blown love theme plays (a la beginning of "Sound of Music". Fade to them rolling around on grass. Then, hard cut to heavily edited picnic scene. Boyfriend chat is removed. Scene ends with Anakin saying, "Well...if it works..." Clockwipe so as to reveal his smile at the last minute, similar to many of the Palpatine scenes.
-Heavily, radically edited version of the "first kiss" scene is in the edit. First of all, it's now a moonlit scene; not daytime. Secondly, Anakin isn't talking about sand; he's telling Padme, "I love you." It made more sense to have the kiss as the culmination of everything that had come before it.
See page 2 of this thread for screenshots of the rough cut.
Good idea about not disobeying Master Windu. As for this conversation, I have re-edited it differently so that Anakin is a stronger character, not being bossed around by Padme. Padme certainly contributes, but it's Anakin that ends up making the bad choice.
Your ideas for the droid factory sound awesome. As that scene ends, I recommend using part of the Dukoo/Padme meeting scene or, at the very least, the trial scene before Padme and Anakin find themselves shackled together in that cart for the...
That is definitely a perfect place to put it. But it could still work even if I used the other scene. The nightmare would end, and then wipe to Anakin staring out the window at the next scene.
Anakin/Padme romance scenes: I have made detailed plans as far as this goes. Here's what I've planned so far:
-Anakin/Padme talk on the way out of ship.
-Dinner scene. Edited so that scene ends with, "Yes. I'm afraid she is."
- Grassy picnic scene has been completely reworked. Starts with short montage of mountains while full-blown love theme plays (a la beginning of "Sound of Music". Fade to them rolling around on grass. Then, hard cut to heavily edited picnic scene. Boyfriend chat is removed. Scene ends with Anakin saying, "Well...if it works..." Clockwipe so as to reveal his smile at the last minute, similar to many of the Palpatine scenes.
-Heavily, radically edited version of the "first kiss" scene is in the edit. First of all, it's now a moonlit scene; not daytime. Secondly, Anakin isn't talking about sand; he's telling Padme, "I love you." It made more sense to have the kiss as the culmination of everything that had come before it.
See page 2 of this thread for screenshots of the rough cut.
Finally, on Naboo, the last scene to tinker with is Anakin deciding to leave. First, as the sunset begins the scene, we should be hearing a woman SCREAM and Tuskan Raider GRUNTS, Shmi saying "Anni!" and some man yelling "ANAKIN!" (That last bit from the voices that Yoda hears as Anakin kills the sand people later). This montage of sound should play until Padme comes out onto the porch with Anakin. Her voice should almost seem to make the yelling stop -- mirroring what Anakin says: "your presence calms me." Then, use editing to extend the last Padme beat -- let things soak in for her a little longer (using the close ups) before she says "I'll go with you." Then cut out before Anakin says anything else.
Great idea! I'll follow that by the letter.
Yes! What I've also done with this scene is cropped the frames with a full view of Clieg so as to omit the hovering aspect of his wheelchair. Looks awkward.
As Obi-Wan's message finishes on Padme's ship and in the Jedi council, OMIT the Windu line "stay where you are," so Anakin and Padme do not disobey a direct order. As Obi-Wan's message ends, we see Padme watching, she looks to Anakin... CUT TO: Yoda's lines, then Mace Windu's lines, then CUT TO: Anakin's close up reaction. Avoid the master shot where Anakin looks too laid back. Then let Padme talk about how close Geonosis is, let Anakin say "if he's still alive..." and CUT TO Padme saying "I'm going to save Obi Wan. If you plan to protect me, you'll have to come along." Intercut the Anakin close-ups where he looks upset to break up her flight-prep action and cut it so his reaction changes from upset to smiling. Then he sits down to fly away...
Great idea! I'll follow that by the letter.
The shots of Padme and Anakin traveling together by cart are awkward and unnecessary. Cut from the master of the ship landing to a one-shot of Wato as Anakin says his first line to the pathetic little creature. Then cut to the master with Anakin, Padme and Wato and play out the scene. A Jedi finds his man immediately -- we don't need to see the "shoe leather" of how he got there.
Precisely! That's a definite go. I really couldn't take the cart or the dumb droids.
Definitely. It will be done.
OMIT the awful eulogy. Bring up the music. After the sweeping master shot, cut to Anakin falling to his knees (omit his stepping forward). Then cut away to Padme before he reaches down awkwardly for a handful of dirt. Then come back to him for the lines "I promise I won't fail you again... I miss you so much." After adjusting the preceding Padme/Anakin scene (discussed upthread), this promise made over Shmi's grave will finally work -- meaning that he's trying to vow not to be a bad Jedi anymore. He's telling his mom what he wouldn't tell Padme -- he regrets killing all those sandpeople.
Precisely! That's a definite go. I really couldn't take the cart or the dumb droids.
Cut the lines when Anakin tells the dying Shmi, "Stay with me mom, everything's going to be fine" -- just let him hold her helplessly as she dies saying "I love..." and lays her head back. OMIT the wide shot where he closes her eyes and stay with the close ups -- first Anni, then repeat one of Shmi dead, then Anni's final glaring flash of anger before cutting outside. This reduces the awkwardness of this scene greatly.
Definitely. It will be done.
OMIT the awful eulogy. Bring up the music. After the sweeping master shot, cut to Anakin falling to his knees (omit his stepping forward). Then cut away to Padme before he reaches down awkwardly for a handful of dirt. Then come back to him for the lines "I promise I won't fail you again... I miss you so much." After adjusting the preceding Padme/Anakin scene (discussed upthread), this promise made over Shmi's grave will finally work -- meaning that he's trying to vow not to be a bad Jedi anymore. He's telling his mom what he wouldn't tell Padme -- he regrets killing all those sandpeople.
Yes! What I've also done with this scene is cropped the frames with a full view of Clieg so as to omit the hovering aspect of his wheelchair. Looks awkward.
As Obi-Wan's message finishes on Padme's ship and in the Jedi council, OMIT the Windu line "stay where you are," so Anakin and Padme do not disobey a direct order. As Obi-Wan's message ends, we see Padme watching, she looks to Anakin... CUT TO: Yoda's lines, then Mace Windu's lines, then CUT TO: Anakin's close up reaction. Avoid the master shot where Anakin looks too laid back. Then let Padme talk about how close Geonosis is, let Anakin say "if he's still alive..." and CUT TO Padme saying "I'm going to save Obi Wan. If you plan to protect me, you'll have to come along." Intercut the Anakin close-ups where he looks upset to break up her flight-prep action and cut it so his reaction changes from upset to smiling. Then he sits down to fly away...
Good idea about not disobeying Master Windu. As for this conversation, I have re-edited it differently so that Anakin is a stronger character, not being bossed around by Padme. Padme certainly contributes, but it's Anakin that ends up making the bad choice.
Your ideas for the droid factory sound awesome. As that scene ends, I recommend using part of the Dukoo/Padme meeting scene or, at the very least, the trial scene before Padme and Anakin find themselves shackled together in that cart for the...
I'll use the trial scene, with the Geonosian subtitles from the "lost edit" of Ep. II by Rebel Scumb. The dialogue is brilliant.
HEAVILY RE-EDIT this scene and it will work beautifully. First, the music is badly mis-cued in the original edit and secondly the dialogue is horrible. But the scene and the performances are good -- so try this: They stand together and Anakin reaches out to say "Don't be afraid." Padme replies "I'm not afraid to die." He looks at her. She looks at him with love. He looks at her with confusion, she looks at him with a little tear... closer we move until she says "I love you." He gives her a disbelieving look, but she looks at him with tears in her eyes -- we know she means it (this may require dropping out the dialogue on some shots and cutting so her lip-movement doesn't look like talking). Finally, they move in together to kiss and as they kiss the MUSIC CRESCENDOS! The current edit crescendos after they draw into the arena -- but by that time the important stuff is already over. This will work, the performances are there -- just held back by all that awful talking.
I will definitely re-edit that scene, even more heavily than you have described. Music will definitely crescendo as they kiss; then, cut out of scene to the arena; no need for the cheesy shot of them riding out into the arena, especially with change in music.
Finally, the battle scene where Amidala falls out of the ship and Obi-Wan has to fight Anakin's urge to stop and save her should stay -- that's great stuff and will work as-is to support this new Anakin story. I recommend keeping it as written.
Still thinking of improvements on this...
With these changes, this movie will have a strong and likable Anakin. This will make him the Jedi who clearly has deep troubles and real love which in Episode III cause him to throw everything away for the chance to save Padme.
Definitely! Thanks so much for all of this great advice. Your name will go in the credits. Sorry I can't say more; I'm busy right now but will chat more about this later.
Well since your doing this, I think that this scene would be good to be in it. The "you haven't learned anything Anakin." Make's the "I try" line less akward(in my oppinion). The footage is on one of the Trailers and, in the music video on the DVD.
I will include that line. It's great and it does lower the awkwardness of the following line.
Thanks so much! The overall quality of this is shooting up exponentially with each of these posts, and I'm so excited to do it. Yesterday, I bought a new NVIDIA video card to replace the lousy one I own currently, so I will soon be able to complete some scenes
for the final cut.
Trooperman