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Episode IV, A Galaxy Divided, full nitpicking mode 😄
Opening Crawl: very good crawl, not much is feasible to improve it (except maybe the title which is not very well chosen I think).
Audio glitches (2):
- around 01:32:20 (just after “where are you ?”)
- around 01:40:44
Useless/repetitive/cheesy dialogues : “Senate Spy” is the weak part of your cut. The idea of intercutting it with “Duchesse of Mandalore” is great and it leads to the very fun second battle of Geonosis, but I think it can be trimmed a little bit more. So here are a few suggestions of things that could be removed without damaging the plot.
- from 00:37:30 ("what does it mean Senator?) to 00:37:45 (“friendship with him?”) : unnecessary Jedi Counsel dialogues with Padmé.
The Clovis/Padmé past is already implied in other dialogues, there is no use to emphasize that much the situation. Your cut would greatly benefit from removing it. I would even suggest to completely remove the entire scene. All the info contained in this scene is already given in the previous scenes. - from 0:39:04 (“are you inviting me for”) to 0:39:16 (“your friendship interests me more than your politics”) : cheesy and useless lines that stress the obvious. We already understand the guy still loves Padmé.
- from 0:39:24 to 0:39:28 (“I hope it’s gonna be better than old times”) : again, cheesy and useless lines. It’s very embarrassing to see someone so bad at seducing…
- two unecessary lines : 0:53:29 (“what do you mean ? - She could die !”): you could direclty cut to the following line (“get a hold of yourself, she’s a republic spy”).
- unecessary lines during Obi-Wan/Satine comlink exchange when she’s on the run, from 0:53:56 (“Mas Amedda wants you to turn yourself in”) to 0:53:59 (“I know”) (how would she know ?)
- line at 0:55:41 (“she must be saved because I love her”: it’s very cheesy and he already knows that; the previous line “it’s for her life I worry about” is far enough to understand his feelings)
- around 02:00:00, I would suggest to trim a little bit of the encounter with the queen, in order to at least remove the “nose or ears ?” weird humor.
Plot issues:
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there might be some kind of a plot issue about Padmé being at the Mandalore Senate session whereas she was just getting the medecine to cure her poisoning a few minutes ago.
Here is what I suggest: cut the mention of Padmé at 0:58:46 : “which is why you must take the disc [to Padmé]” (maybe replace “to Padmé” with “to the Senate” if possible ?). Then, when the Senate session occurs, directly cut to the complete recording with no mention of Padmé showing this proof
(one shot of Padmé should also be replaced by one with only Obi-Wan), so cut from 01:00:43 to 01:01:01. That way it’s implied that Obi-Wan is the one showing the complete recording.
Then, at Palpatine office, cut directly to Satine entering the room (Padmé’s presence is not an issue since she’s now back from her mission with Anakin, she could be here to give
the intel she got from Clovis, besides the background shows the meeting is occuring the morning after): so cut from 01:02:10 (“thankfully”) to 01:02:24 (“I require no thanks”).
When Padmé talks to Satine, she basically tells again what Palpatine just told the audience a few seconds ago. That’s way you also get rid of repetitive information. Better for the pace of your edit. -
About the two Dooku scenes with the Death Watch leader: you should change a few lines on both scenes to make it work better. Here is my suggestion:
Scene 1:
“Unacceptable! I will order my men to attack !”
“And if you do, you’ll hold the planet for perhaps a day. I have other ways to accomplish our goals. I will send you reinforcement.”
(not sure if “I will send you reinforcement.” Is necessary since we know a few minutes later from the geonosian general that Dooku is expecting droids to invade Mandalore)
Scene 2:
“You promised us we would reclaim Mandalore from these weak-willed cowards !”
Without the backing of my forces or your people, your revolution will be over before it begins. A neophyte such as you wouldn’t know these things, but I do.”
(and cut back to the geonosian arc before the reused close up of the Death Watch Leader)
Things to reinsert:
- at 01:11:00 : maybe you should reinsert Anakin’s lines about Obi-Wan, the fact that he worries about him as well.