Okay, I’m gonna raise my hand now. I don’t have a smart phone. I don’t have a flip phone. I don’t have a cordless phone. I have a phone at home with a wire that goes into the wall. I also have a phone at work with a wire that goes into the wall. That covers every possible phone scenario for me. Either I’m at work and can talk to you on the phone, I’m at home and can talk to you on the phone, or I’m at neither place and have no interest in talking to you on the phone, so leave a message.

Want to text me? Too bad for you. If it’s not important enough for you to make the call, it wasn’t important enough for me to read anyway. For Internet I got a laptop, but the Internet’s not really necessary.

Now, all of you, off my lawn.