Star Wars Episode I: Cloak Of Deception (Released) — Page 16

I would replace “crowned” by “elected”, which seems to be how it works in AOTC.

So, if I may, here is my feedback:

Episode I
CLOAK OF DECEPTION
It is a time of decay in the GALACTIC REPUBLIC. In this turmoil of dissidence and corruption, an ancient menace lurks in the shadows of the galaxy.

Taking advantage of the Galactic Senate’s complacency, the greedy TRADE FEDERATION has seized the peaceful planet of Naboo with a blockade of deadly warships.

With the newly elected Queen of Naboo desperate for help, the Supreme Chancellor has secretly dispatched two Jedi Knights, the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy, to end the conflict…

I’ve merged your text with bits of Lucas original version and tried to make the transition between the first two paragraphs more natural and trivial.

edit: a fistful of suggestions…
“rises again/awakens/returns” instead of “lurks”
“While Queen Amidala, Ruler of Naboo, seeks for help, the Supreme…”
“to settle the conflict” instead of “to end…”

edit2: well, second version with some of the previous suggestions implemented:

Episode I
CLOAK OF DECEPTION
It is a time of decay in the GALACTIC REPUBLIC. Within this turmoil of dissidence and corruption, an ancient menace rises again in the darkness.

Taking advantage of the Galactic Senate’s complacency, the greedy TRADE FEDERATION has seized the peaceful planet of Naboo with a blockade of deadly warships.

While Queen Amidala of Naboo seeks for help, the Supreme Chancellor has secretly dispatched two Jedi Knights, the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy, to end the conflict…

(is it so bad 😦 )

So has the issue of the 5.1 audio being messed up been resolved?

Hal 9000 said:
I’m hoping to avoid mentioning either a “thousand years” OR a “thousand generations,” because of the ambiguity between the OT and PT’s depiction of the timeline, EU material notwithstanding.

Just don’t mention it, there is no need. That’s why I would change “menace” by “ancient menace”, that way you get some kind of a “long time” idea without using “years” or “generations”.

Yeah I got it but you’ve asked for people’s opinion about it so I had free time to think about it and gave you my thoughts, that’s all.

(gosh, this might be the worst english grammar I have ever used…)

I was wondering if anyone could PM me the link to the latest (and fixed) audio track for Cloak of Deception. Thank you 😃

For the crawl: I really like your new one. Although I’d slightly edit the first paragraph (inspired by MalaStrana’s suggestions):

It is a time of decay in the Galactic Republic. In this turmoil of dissidence and corruption an ancient menace rises in the shadows of the galaxy.

I remember that Ben only becomes a Jedi Knight at the end of the movie, so the crawl should be more acurate:

While Queen Amidala of Naboo seeks for help, the Supreme Chancellor has secretly dispatched two members of the Jedi Order, the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy, to end the conflict…

This edit is great, the only thing that stands out for me is why does the Jedi take Jar Jar along for the journey? Putting in the Otoh Gunga sequence back in would fix the problem. The excised journey through the inner core is thankfully gone.

Perhaps they just can’t get rid of him because he insists on being his “humble servant” for having saved his life.

Possessed said:

Perhaps they just can’t get rid of him because he insists on being his “humble servant” for having saved his life.

Oh yes of course.

At the beginning of the podrace there are scenes with the cleanup droids, it does not add anything to the sequence, why were those scene added in?

Don’t worry I’m done, I won’t be critical in regards to these edits anymore.

Hal 9000 said:

No, don’t do that. You can speak your mind!

Back in 2006, I edited the DVD version of the pod race to music, and this became the template that I closely followed for COD. I used that portion of the deleted scene, and so I had to use it again to recreate my prior work.

Well of all the things you changed, those three things I mentioned are the only things I took issue with. The two lines of dialogue from Episode 2 and the inclusion of the clean up droids during the pod race. Other than that your three films make me very happy.

The scene that always bothered me, and it is still in your edit, it’s right after Mace says, “But which was destroyed the master or the apprentice?” Then the camera pans over to Palpatine to give it away to the audience who it is.

Hi Hal,

I have finally just watched you’re version of episode 1. I have already previously seen all of your other versions of 2 & 3 and your edits are my favorite, best presentation and really smart editing choices.

After finally watching episode 1 I feel I can tell you what I think could work better, although I understand how subjective fan edits can be.

-Remove Scene of Queen Amadalla telling Nute Gunray that the Jedi are coming to force a settlement.

I have just always felt the scene was awkward and abrupt because Nute Gunray acts like he forgot all about pursueing the jedi.

Queen Amidalla acts like shes strong and aggressive but then in the following scene she acts like she dosnt know why communications are jammed and then says that she doesn’t want conflict.

I think we should just have Obiwans line about the negotiations being short and then transition to Naboo where the communictations with Corosaunt get cut off, besides the opening crawl already tells us the planet is being occupied by the federation.

-Add back in Jabba the Hutt & Bib Fortuna.

He runs the gambling ring on Tatooine, seeing him appear reinforces the idea of why Watto is afraid of Quigon telling the Hutts about their bet. If you had not seen any star wars you would not have gotten Quigons exposition. Maybe just when the race scene begins don’t have the announcers introduce him he just walks in as the scene starts. Then when he spits his food. Then when hes falling asleep at the end. I have to admit I am a big fan of the hutt.

-Remove Shmi’s line about "giving hope to those who have none."
In this scene she just needs to say that shes proud of him.

I read somebody elses review on fanedit.org and agreed that Anakins mom could use some additional lines overall to make her more involved and appear to be more of a caring mother. Though I understand the way edits work and maybe her cuts are necessary.

I figured with Jabba and Shmi reinserted it should make up for the missing runtime for the removed Nute Gunray Scene.

ok
I finished this episode
Now I remember perfectly why I didnt like the prequels,and understand why some people in their fanedits cut everything except the final swordfight in this one
Anyway you did a great job…
I know this should be the final release, but ,as always everyone has an opinion and I think you like to hear them all
The things I would change
-I liked the anti-cheese version of Neimoidian…you could make them say anything you want they should sound like invasors ,not a coward ones…but your version isnt bad
-Also the same with Jar-jar…you could make him more say or less the same…but then you should change the way he speaks the entire movie and even all the gungahs,in the rest of the movies jar jar works in the senate so maybe he can speak the common language the way he did
-In this way you could also add a reason for jar jar to go with the jedi(I can show you a safe way to the citadel,making him more important) and even hint that humans and gungahs are not in good relationadding something like we are not wellcomed there usually ,but I own you my life
-Add back in Jabba the Hutt & Bib Fortuna.everyone loves slugs
-Pod race is ok
-I also would remove the dialogue about Anakin´s mom saying it was a virginal conception…I would remove the entire dialogue,or as its natural for quigon to try to know the father,make her say.
SHMI: There was no father. I carried him, I gave birth, I raised him. Can you help him?
Like there was no father , who I fuck with is my own bussines,help my child or GTFO, you damm jedi
I know its would be hard to do ,or maybe it doesnt sound good ,but midiclorians and virgin mary/shmi are even worse than jar jar accent

-You did a great job with jar jar in the fight,he is clumsy but at least is not an asshole
with the material you have,you did really well

-There is no way to solve the anakin blowing the ship scene

Your fan edit is one of the best in my humble opinion

Another thing is if I could get the subtitles in srt I could make an spanish translation

And I know this is off topic,but It crossed my mind how to make someone seeing the movies from the start and maintain the surprise of, luke,I´m your father…the easiest way could be to avoid giving luke a surname ,and change ben dialogue as your father was a friend of mine…he was killed by darth vader…Im sure your father would like you to have his sword or something like that,something really complicated to do
I have an small child an nephews and I want them to enjoy the films now(or in some years) and enjoy them when they grow old so edited versions are the only way