The new crawl is definetly a big step in the right direction. I have some suggestions though:
Write “has secretly risen from…” instead of “has risen in secret from…” as I think the latter sounds weird. To me it feels like the “in secret” is connected to the Empire that the FO has risen from, but that might also be because I’m no native speaker. I’m also not sure about the “fractured Empire”, but your explanation does make sense, so I’d say it works.
I really like the second paragraph except for “combat” in “convince the New Republic to COMBAT this emerging threat.” I think something like “convince the New Republic of this looming threat.” would sound better.
And I quite liked the “whereabouts of the last Jedi” in the last paragraph but I just noticed that your wording is actually from the theatralic crawl, so I’m fine with it^^
Here’s a new version with the lightsaber shot. 😃
https://vimeo.com/200702407
Password: music
The music timing here is really great! So if someone were able to add proper sound effects to the scene, I am in favor of using this.