Despite several more attempts at it I wasn’t able to improve upon it, so that is the best version I have at the moment. I believe Darth Lucas and Yotsuya were also working on projects featuring the '81 Crawl, most notably this one:
http://originaltrilogy.com/topic/Remastering-the-1981-Episode-IV-TitleCrawlFlyover/id/49668/page/1
Perhaps they had better luck?