***
Little son to his dad:
- Daddy, Daddy please make the elephants run!
- No, Sonny, elephants are tired now...
- But Daddy, Daddy, please, please make the elephants run again!
- Son, elephants are really sleepy now... they were running all day long because you wanted them to do so.
- Dad, please! One more time... please...
- OK, kid, but this is the last time today, elephants are almost falling... ...plaaatooooon! put yer gaaasmaaaasks - on! Run and circle the drill-ground , on the double!!!
***
- Hey, buddy, long time no see! What do you do now?
- Changed my work...
- So...? where do you work now?
- Can't say, that's top secret, national security and so on...
- OK, so at least tell me how much do they pay?
- Not much... $5 for grenade, $15 per bomb made...
***
- Why can't you form a straight row, maggots? - yells the sergeant at his soldiers standing in a line
- Because ... Earth is round - whispers one of them
- What?? Who said that?!?!
- Copernicus, sir.
- Copernicus?!?! Copernicus step forward, you assh0le!
***
Corporal examines a private:
- Private! What material is rifle's barrel made of?
- It's made of steel, sir.
- Good... now, what material is rifle's lock made of?
- It's made of steel, sir.
- Wrong! Check the manual text again, you maggot! See? The answer is "...and the lock is made of the same material"!
***
Guerrillas got a tip that enemy troops are heading to the village. Unable to run, they hid in the well. Enemy soldiers marched soon after, searching for the partisan forces.
- Look everywhere, don't let them to escape - yells the commander - maybe they hid themselves in the barn?
The "echo" from the well repeats: "....maybe they hid themselves in the barn?"
- Or maybe they run to the woods?
The "echo" from the well repeats: "....or maybe they run to the woods?
- Hey! Maybe they are sitting in the well?
The "echo" from the well says: "....or maybe they run to the woods?
***
Train. In the same compartment travels mother with busty daughter, private and a sergeant. The train enters a tunnel and suddenly we hear SLAP!
Now, what do the passengers think?
Mother: one of the soldiers must have tried to pinch my daughter, but she slapped him.
Daughter: wow! Mommy is still popular among men - one of them must have tried to pinch her, but she slapped him.
Sergeant: Darn! The private "got lucky" and I got slapped!
Private: heh, when we enter another tunnel I'm gonna slap the sergeant in the face one more time!
***
Excerpts from the military manuals:
PUDDLE
A small body of water with no strategical importance. Can be crossed without pontoon bridge.
SPOON
The spoon is composed of A) a handle B) a soup tank.
WATCHDOG
The watchdog is composed of A) a leash B) an actual dog.
BIKINI
A prototype beach camouflage for female soldiers.
INCH
An imperial unit of measurement, twice as long as the caliber of heavy machine gun.
BUSH (do not confuse with Mr Dubya)
A natural element of the battlefield with increased camouflage capabilities.
CHAIR
A metal/woode/plastic device supporting the rear end of the soldier.
RIVER
A strategically important terrain obstacle with 100% humidity.
WINDOW
A rectangular hole in a building allowing for firing machine gun.
TOWEL
A rectangular piece of cloth used for reducing the wetness level of a soldier.
SOCKS
Short range chemical weapon, its use is not forbidden by Geneva Convention.
SUN
Light source allowing for daytime military operations.
NEEDLE
A small, point tipped melee weapon.
- What all soldiers should have in their footlockers?
- Orderliness
I hope that my translation didn't kill them
