My dad lost his job again. So that’s great news. I’ll do what I can to help pay for what I can. I work full time and my parents
Should’ve kicked me out long ago, I hope I’ll at least be useful.

As for me, yesterday, I slept until 4:00 and today I had an anxiety attack at work today so bad I thought that I’d have a heart attack. I had to duck into the men’s room. Luckily, no one noticed. My family and friends are starting to get really concerned. I don’t know what the fuck to do, try ANOTHER therapist? I’m at the end of my rope with this shit. I’m sick of fighting. I’m sick of hurting. For a guy who was a best mildly religious months ago, this crisis of faith is rapidly starting to mutate into something that’s consuming me in ways that I really don’t know how much longer I can deal with. Between the videos and the obsessiveness, I really think I might go nuts. What in God’s name is happening to me?!

I kind of wish I could just stay asleep. That’s a horrible thing to say, but it’s the one way for me to be free unless there were some way to erase memories. I think I’m going to maybe have to accept my loss of faith and that I’m broken enough spiritually that I’ll simply never be the same again. It’s horrible, but I’m beginning to have to think I’m going to live with it from now on, because I guess there simply isn’t another choice. I guess I’ll have to weather my loss and hope that God is somewhere out there in the universe, He can provide for me a bit to help stabilize it again. I guess I’m going to have to face up to that. I don’t want to and I don’t know how, but I just don’t know what else to do. I wish I could go back to a scant few months ago when I was comfortable with my beliefs, but I guess that’s gone. Fuck. I don’t know. I’m sick of hurting and doubting and being anxious and afraid. I’m sick of it all. I wish I could just stay asleep.