I called off with new therapist a couple of weeks ago because I was sick. Got a $500 bill from him, and he said to call about fixing it with my insurance. I did, and he asked what to do. I told him to mail it to me, I’d sign it, and mail it back. He agreed. He didn’t say anything about setting up another appointment. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure he would if I asked, but since I’ve been so hard to convince to participate, I have to imagine that he knows that I’m wasting his time. I don’t blame him. To be fair, I didn’t entirely feel like I was clicking with him, but I’ve been through at least two so far in a few months. I really need to take a long look in the mirror and think that maybe I’m the problem here, and have unrealistic expectations about what this can do for me. It’s funny, I talk an awful lot about how shitty I feel and how much I want to feel better, but I sure don’t seem to put in the effort.
I’m still functioning; I can drive safely and though work is getting harder to deal with, in still there every day. I’m sleeping more and more on my days off; this can’t bother me when I’m unconscious. And sometimes I secretly wish I could just stay asleep. That’s probably not a healthy thing to say, but I figure at least I’m honest about it. I’m so sick of hurting and fighting. I have a few better patches; I wonder if there’s some sort of biochemical ebb and flow to this? I might look into one last therapist, a psychiatrist capable or prescribing medication this time, but haven’t had any luck contacting her via e-mail so far, and I’m not sure if she takes in my age-range, since I think she primarily specializes in kids. And I think there’s one other on the list that I haven’t tried, plus I’m sure many others, but really, I think I want them to magicially make me feel better when that’s not what they can or should do. I don’t know anymore.
My parents are going to Kansas City for a wedding for the weekend, and have informed me about how their insurance will pay if they die. Gee, thanks, that helps! I’m going out with my friends, so I’m going to make a concentrated effort to socialize a bit tonight.
