- Post
- #1580286
- Topic
- Community Focus Thread 1: The Phantom Menace
- Link
- https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/1580286/action/topic#1580286
- Time
I’ve just been re-reading the thread, and have taken another crack at the opening crawl based on all of the popular ideas so far.
I was looking to include:
- Language which both gives clarity of understanding, and evokes emotion and dynamism
- “Golden age is ending”
- Namedropping ‘Galactic Republic’ early, and showing it’s corrupt and bureaucratic (but in an interesting way)
- Trade Federation vs Naboo as the central threat, with the TF greedy and aggressive, and Naboo humanised
- Padme Amidala as a protector and central to the conflict
- A hint of a bigger threat ‘behind the curtain’
- Valorum (by title but not by name) ‘dispatching the Jedi’ since it’s referenced often onscreen
- A little more description of the function and purpose of the Jedi Order, especially including hints at their magic, since this is the first chronological story
- A deliberate inconsistency between the Jedi as protectors of peace AND tools of the (corrupt) Republic
- A slight clarification of the Jedi Order (the institution) and the Jedi Knights (its agents)
- Qui-Gon Jinn named early, since he’s not named onscreen until deep into the movie, and identifying him as the main agent of change in the story
I wanted to not contradict anything that is seen onscreen. I also chose to retain some of the ambiguity already in the plot and the existing crawl; as much as we often try to do this (and I’ve fallen into this trap myself), the opening crawl is not the place to fix issues with the storyline.
This crawl has the right word count (82 vs 75-88), character count (500 vs 450-500) and line length (~28 max characters).
The golden age of the Galactic
Republic is ending. As corruption
grows, the greedy Trade Federation
has blockaded the peaceful planet
of Naboo.Desperate to protect her people,
Queen Amidala has appealed for
urgent support, but the Republic
Senate is mired in endless debate.Fearing a more sinister motive
behind the aggressive move, the
Supreme Chancellor has directed
the Jedi Order, mystical guardians
of peace and justice, to secretly
dispatch Jedi Knight Qui-Gon Jinn
and his young apprentice to settle
the conflict…
Re-reading the thread is a good exercise. I’m back to drawing board on start of Episode 1 because what I’ve tried so far is too uneven. Started thinking a new scene is needed.
I like the way you’ve framed the story here. It is way more coherent. And I like it fitting the normal parameters of a crawl. My only quibble is about omniscient expressions “the golden age is ending,” as to opposed to merely how things are, eg “A golden age for the Galactic Republic is being exploited by [opportunists or something].”