Back to the subject of suspiciouscoffee actually reaching out and needing help…
I don’t know how much my advice is worth to you. I’m a straight old white guy, married with kids and a mortgage. And I’m atheist too. So as far a shared life experiences go, maybe not so much. But I know quite a good number of gay folk, and I’ve witnessed at least one complete nightmare trainwreck of a coming-out scenario, so maybe I have something to offer.
My advice: There’s no universally correct way to be gay. Maybe you get giddy and enjoy dancing with girls. That’s not really unheard of. Maybe you’re not a big beefy physical sports guy. That’s pretty common. But you know what? It’s also not unusual for big beefy physical sports guys to be gay too, so don’t heterofetishize that lifestyle too much. A lot of coming to terms with being gay is better described as coming to terms with being yourself. Because if you’ve got these preconceived ideas of what comes along with being gay (“but I don’t like interior design!”), you’re just going to ride the roller coaster of maybe-I-am-maybe-I’m-not a little longer. Maybe you’re gay, maybe you’re bi, maybe there’s no label for what you are. Does the label help? If not, don’t focus on that. Focus on what you think might make you happy and fulfilled. You have a better sense of that than you think.
Community is important. For a lot of people, coming out means saying goodbye to a lot of previously available folks. Church, family, friends. That’s the killer. Without a community of accepting friends, coming out is much, much harder. Find that community–and you won’t know for sure until you come out, but they’ll support you–I’m sure you have a good sense of safe spaces by now, and you should trust them. That’s kinda what we are here–the worst we can do is throw odious words at you anonymously–we’re relatively safe. But in-person safe people are needed too. Start with a new church if church is important to you. Even if you don’t buy their lefty-loosey Bible interpretations–you’re not in it for the dogma, you need the community. You’ll even have some shocking support from some quarter you’d written off. It happens. Once you’re out, the trouble doesn’t end–not by a long shot–but the anxiety, the dread, it all washes away. Slowly, but it does. You know the “It Gets Better” campaign? They’re not wrong.