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488: Jack is safely back in L.A. from the second Season 6 begins.
**SPOILERS**
Actually, from the reports I've been hearing about the first episode, that IS how it starts: with Jack in L.A. and CTU trying to find him.
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This is the compiled version of the 500 Ways to Ruin Season Six of 24. It is the best countdown thread we've ever done. It's hilarious, and I was on the floor laughing reading it sometimes. I contributed probably 40 or 50 ways to the thread. I loved this thread so much I compiled it all in to one spot---Microsoft Word. I took all the posts, fixed grammar, spelling, added punctuation and revised a few of them for clarity. I also fixed miscounts (we get a lot of those) and got rid of "repeats." For example, about twelve people said a way to ruin season six of 24 would be to bring Kim back. In my compiled version, there's only one of these. I left in some of the variations on it. If anyone posts over there, you'll recognize this. If you haven't and you love 24, I guarantee you'll love this. I would reccomend you copy it into Microsoft Word and print it out or just save it if you are enjoying reading it. Keep in mind that many or most of these pertain to the fifth season, so many of the jokes will be lost on people who are just picking the show up. There are also spoilers. Some might not make sense, because many are "in-jokes." You have to be familiar with a TV show or movie to get them.
Here goes...the longest post ever on originaltrilogy.com.
500 WAYS TO RUIN SEASON SIX OF 24
500. We find out who those weird mysterious people controlling Logan are. The Illuminati! JC Denton guest stars.
499. Jack gets shot up in the first episode a la Peter Weller. Later he returns as, "The future of law enforcement".
498. To defeat the Chinese President, Bauer must throw vegetables in his mouth. After doing so, Jack wakes up and realizes it's all a dream and we're still back in 2001.
497. Six Million Dollar Bauer.
496. Ryan Chappelle returns to start the zombie apocalypse. With him is Tony Almeida, Michelle Dessler and Sherry Palmer.
495. Logan and the First Lady reconcile. More old people sex-scenes follow.
494. The writers think Chinese and Japanese mean the same thing.
493. It's 20 years later, but everyone looks the same.
492. President Kim Bauer
491. Somebody utters the line "Me Chinese, me play joke, me go pee-pee in your Coke."
490. Chloe sees dead people.
489: Kill Jack and make Kim the main hero.
488: Jack is safely back in L.A. from the second Season 6 begins.
487: After doing 487, they then gloss over the cliffhanger ending with one line in the first Episode, and it's never mentioned again.
486: They go through with both 488 and 489, so as to cop-out of the cliffhanger; thus making the same GIANT mistake as they did with Season 3.
485. Jack dances.
484. Instead of an action packed season finale Jack just says he is sorry and the Chinese forgive and they all go bowling.
483. Logan just says he is sorry and is allowed to remain in office.
482. Logan resigns and must make ends meet by doing All State commercials.
481. 24 The Musical starring Jack Bauer...(gulp)
480. They write in more secondary characters of questionable ethnic origin to meet network quotas.
479. The main plot device is a time machine.
478. And then it was all a dream and Nina Myers is calling Jack in...something about a plot to take out a Presidential candidate called David Palmer...
476. The return of Behrooz Araz.
475. Logan is reinstated.
474. The opening episode is only twelve minutes long.
473. Edgar comes back from the dead and does the macarana, and 1 billion Chinese people die from it. Kinda like the end of Mars Attacks.
472. Miles returns as the director of CTU
471. They spend 12 hours of the season with Jack on a plane back to LA. Jack resorts to kung fu and neck snappin' when his ipod battery goes dead.
470. Season opens with the Wedding of Charles Logan and Kate Warner.
469. Curtis reveals he is a distant cousin of Victor Drazen and has been behind everything.
468. Dennis Haysbert reprises his role as David Palmer
467. Howard Bern is the master Chinese conspirator.
466. Mandy is part of the Blue Tooth Group.
465. Behrooz Araz becomes a CTU operative.
464. Cubby falls to the ground and shatters.
463. Jack is the Running Man.
462. Not involve Jack in the first 10 episodes.
461. Audrey as a Knock-off Sidney Bristow attempting to save her man.
460. Allow Taylor Hicks to do wardrobe.
459. A bizarre experiment fuses Audrey's head to Jack's body...cue much complaining
458. Replace Jack with Kim
457. Replace Jack with a Teletubbie
456. Replace Jack with Carrot Top
455. Replace Jack with an orc
454. The threat to the country is a talking tree
453. Give Jack the power of Bullet Time
452. Jack responds to the treat with the one liner: F uck it; let's go bowling.
451. All weapons are replaced with bunny rabbits.
450. Bunny rabbits are behind the threat.
449. Paris Hilton guest stars as herself.
448. Kim Bauer-Papazian.
447. Chloe reverts to using her maiden name... Bauer.
446. More Flatliners.
445. Air Season 5 in reverse.
444. A chimpanzee.
443. A ghost.
442. <o>
441. All dialogue between characters are rhyming lines.
440. Flashbacks.
439. Scenes of characters relieving themselves in a washroom.
438. Presidential pre-emptions.
437. Godzilla.
436. No Chloe.
435. A terrorist attack on Hollywood.
434. We find that the Chinese have subjected Jack to agricultural experimentation, referred to as "body crops", and Jack now has an apple tree growing out of his head. Apple Jacks, anyone?
433. David Palmer is alive. The season takes place during the election. He is running for president against Hal Gardner.
432- continuing the theme of awful background music as adopted in 5, the soundtrack is performed in pan-pipe
431- Jack doesn't wear the nifty handbag he was seen sporting in 5
430 - Mike 'mole-man' Novic becomes president
429 - Kim gets kidnapped.....AGAIN...
428 - jack is not "in possession" of anything
427 - the adoption of the catchphrase "it's time for bower-power”
426 - Jack turns into a robot beaver
425 - The make a special "Musical" episode.
424. Without CTU resources, Jack and Chloe must communicate via myspace accounts.
423. New catchphrase for Jack: SHAZAM!
422. Jack, Curtis, Bill Buchanan and Audrey hold a 'contest' to see who can remain 'master of their domain.'
421. Jack's new vehicle: KITT
420. Jack Bauer tackles a Christmas tree to everyone's delight.
419. Kim shows up.
418. Jack changes "Damnit!" to "Darn!"
417. Jack starts using a cross bow.
416. Tony returns in a flashback about how he owed Jack five bucks.
415. Jack feels bad about killing someone.
414. Kim shows up and doesn't die a gruesome death.
413. They make up on the spot that Curtis is as tough as Jack, making him the season's main character (shut up, Curtis fans, you know the truth).
412. They make Jack miss at least one episode, ruining his track record as the only character to appear in all episodes of the series.
411. They kill Aaron Pierce (which, believe it or not, was planned to happen on Day 5. Luckily Morshower paid a call to the producers and begged for his life).
410. They kill Mike Novic in the season premiere - hey, save him for Hour 10 at least, huh?
409: Jack takes on cororate greed in the shape of KFC (and his final line can be :now THAT's figer lickin' good!)
408. Fly Jack back from China (which would take over 17 episodes not to forget baggage claim, passport control, travelling back to CTU and jetlag!)
407: Jack's new catchphrase: you won't like me when I'm angry...
406: Jack infiltrates a gay club in San Francisco.
405: The bad guy doesn't have a ridiculous accent.
404: The person behind it all is coutry music legend The Colonel
403: Reintroduce some more British characters as fodder and evil (we do have some redeeming qualities you know!)
402: Finish the season at episode 13.
401. Give Jack the power of flight.
400. Give Chloe the power of tact.
399. Replace Curtis with Walter Sobchek
398. Team Bauer up with the Dude.
397. Bring back Nina as the $6bn Woman (we rebuilt her we had the technology!)
396. Turns out Kim was behind it all...who'd ever have suspected the blonde one! MUAHAHAHAHA!
395. Eddie Izzard is the guy behind Season 6.
394. Have the opening of Season 6 with Jack looking blankly at something and Chloe asking him what's wrong:
Jack: Just thinking about...
Chole: China? Yeah that was a weird week....
393: Jack hits LA rush hour traffic for the first time ever
392. Jack stops in at a dirve-thru only to be stuck with some teenage idiot on his first day
391. All the dead characters are resurrected as zombies!
390: It was aliens.
389. Have Jack end every episode with: the truth is out there; and I'm gonna find it!
388. Jacks ends each episode with his new product placement catchphrase: DAMMIT! I could really go for a chalupa.
387. Jack Bauer vs. Satan
386. Jack Bauer vs. The Wicked Witch of the West
385. Jack Bauer vs. The Munchkins
384. Jack Bauer vs. Dr Strangelove
383. Jack Bauer vs. Death
382. Jack Bauer ends up on the island in "Lost".
381. Jack gets a wisened dog for a sidekick.
380. Emilio Estevez turns up as "Billy the Kid".
379. Jack Bauer gets a twin brother, who is evil and has a goatee.
378. The season's threat is resolved in 16 hours, and the last 8 episodes are nothing but Jack getting a good night's sleep.
377. In a promotional cross-over, Jack is assigned to protect the gang from "The O.C." from a terrorist strike.
376. TONY, MICHELLE, and PALMER: "Hi, Jack! We all faked our deaths just like you, and now we're here to help you escape from the Chinese."
375. CHAPELLE AND MASON: "Us too!"
374. EDGAR (sitting at home): "I wanted to come too, but the airline was going to charge me for 2 seats."
373. There IS no terrorist threat. In a change-of-pace move, the writers decide it will be interesting to show a "normal" day at CTU. Dramatic highlights include a typo on a new employee's resume, a bitter argument over where to order lunch, and a broken vending machine in the break room.
372. Jack eats Consulate Hon's face.
371. 24 - The Musical .... staring Hugh Jackman as Jack Bauer.
370. Kate Warner rescues Jack from the Chinese ... and then b!tchslaps him when she sees Audrey.
369. Jack wakes up to find himself in the town of Punxatawney, waiting to see the groundhog.
"I'm Federal Agent Jack Bauer, and today is the most repetitive day of my life."
Episode 1 - The following takes place between 6am and 6am on Groundhog Day.
Episode 2 - The following takes place between 6am and 6am on Groundhog Day. etc....
368. Andie MacDowell is in it.
367. Richard Heller is in it.
366. Jack is trapped in a phone booth by a psychotic sniper.
Jack - "Wait a minute, I know you!"
365. Jack goes into space and fights terrorists with laser guns.
364. Jack gets a job at a cafe and has to fight rude customers.
363. Jack Bauer teams up with Jackie Chan.
362. Jack Bauer teams up with Rowan Atkinson/Bean.
361. Jack Bauer goes to spend Christmas Eve with his daughter in the Nakatomi Building.
360. Jack escapes the Chinese and the rest of Season 6 is about Jack hitchhiking back to CTU.
359. In Season 6 Jack is transferred to work on IMDB.
[Jack breaks down a door]
"TELL ME WHERE THE TROLL IS!!!!!!!!"
[Shoots kid in kneecap]
358. Jack forgets his cellphone.
357. Kim turns out to be a mole.
356. Jack wins the lottery with the numbers 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 (Pardon my reference to "Lost"... That would ruin the show, though.)
355. Everyone at CTU quits their jobs to pursue their dreams of winning "American Idol"
354. Jack isn't running out of time
353. Chloe smiles at everyone and is cooperative.
352. The main villain grows a conscience and turns himself in.
351. Jack takes a trip to the Interzone after snorting bug powder. Chase returns as Jack's sidekick except his now part man, part insect & part typewriter.
350. Marwan faked his death and is back with 10 more terrorists attack plots, all in one day, and again, increasingly anticlimactic.
349: Kim doesn't die.
348: Dumbledore is made head of CTU. LA is once again saved by CTU operatives flying around on broomsticks and pulling rabbits out of hats.
347: Every character is killed within the first 3 seconds of season six, except for jack. Oooh, shock value.
346: The world is blown up by terrorists and Jack has to trace them via the newly formed CTU Mars.
345: As the big bad guys mask is pulled off, his parting words are :" And I would have gotten away with it if it wernt for them pesky agents..."
344: Replace Kiefer Sutherland with Donald Sutherland and never explain it...
343: Jack gets to wear more pink fluffy jumpers...
342: Cast Chris Tucker as Jack's "comedy sidekick"...
341. Everyone falls asleep by the 21st episode.
340: The Improv Episode.
339: The LIVE Episode!
Kiefer: Dammit! They gave me a different gun then the one I wrote my lines on!
338: Jack is rushing a wounded criminal into a hospital where he meets Dr. Gregory House, who diagnoses the patient in two hours. The whole time is spent with House giving Jack rude and sarcastic comments. Finally, Jack kills House with his own cane.
337: Jack logs onto the IMDb in the climactic season finale to make some final posts before bed. Jack turns off the lights in his bedroom (he has a clapper) and we go to the silent clock, so as to not wake Jack up.
336: Jack realises Kim isnt his daughter and starts a relationship with her
338. Jack discovers that Dan Brown is behind the events of day 6 and the whole plot is plagiarised from a book written in 1980 by a former Doctor Who scriptwriter.
337. Jack is Dan Brown.
336. While in China, Jack discovers an evil plot (TM) by one David Lo Pan to marry Audrey and then sacrifice her to his demon god.
335. Basically a reworking of Day 5 but without Jack (who has gone home to watch several Kurt Russell films). Michael Moore takes his place and discovers that Logan is behind the day's events.
334. The whole episode takes place in Jack's apartment where he's watching several Kurt Russell films.
333. Kurt Russell infiltrates CTU, helped by an army of chinese magicians, where he blows the building up.
332. Someone (possibly a bored producer) keeps messing with the onscreen clock, sometimes stopping it for a few minutes and other times moving it forward or backwards by an hour or two. Jack gets confused.
331. None of the cast appear. Instead, all we get is the clock display (and associated sounds) on the screen for the entire 24 hours.
330. Jack gets married to Audrey. No terrorists appear at all. Curtis is Jack's best man. Bill Buchanan gets very drunk and falls over.
329: Cubby, with remnants of Tony's DNA on the cup, and in an accident with a power socket, becomes Tony MkII and takes Tony's office for good.
328. Jack doesn't break anyone's neck with his legs (I think it's called the CQC neck break or something...?)
327. Kim doesn't do something really stupid, maybe she could turn lesbian and date her therapist's even older, even uglier, even more annoying aunt?
326. Chase is re-employed by CTU as an analyst but he now has a hook for hand. Any time the clock appears, he goes mad and talks about a crocodile.
325. Jack doesn't shoot anybody for an hour.
324. Curtis is ordered by Bill Buchanan to lay off the donuts, or he'll get too fat for fieldwork.
323. No largely pointless and expensive terrorist attacks, which are really just diversions for another diversion, which disguise the ultimate goal. Which never gets explained properly.
322. Jack discovers the organization running things behind the scenes is led by a cancer-eating genetic anomaly who has the bizarre ability to regrow parts of his body very quickly. This leads to the realization that Audrey has cancer.
321. The villan is Ryan Seacrest.
320. The entire CTU staff gets high from inhaling sentox (sic) nerve gas and decide to stage a performance of Rogers & Hammerstein's The King And I with Jack as Anna and Karen Hayes as the King of Siam.
319. Jack marries Nina.
318. Jack becomes a minister by completing an internet course and officially marries Karen Hayes and Nina.
317. The entire cast get stoned after licking the mould inside the CTU walls,and start singing "RO,RO,RO,YOUR JOINT,TWIST IT AT THE END,SPARK IT UP AND TAKE A PUFF AND PASS IT TO YOUR FRIEND!"
316: The prequel of Day 6 shows Jack and Audrey, married, and now in mariage counseling. The counselor says that the best thing to do is a 24 hour counseling session. So the final words of the prequel would be...
---Jack finally married the woman of his dreams.
---But it wasn't working out.
---Jack Bauer never thought he'd be in a counselor’s office for 24 hours straight.
---Then Day 6 began....
315: The climactic finale of the scenario above is that Jack and Audrey start having sex in the counselor’s office, for the last nine hours of the season. However, to keep the TV-14 rating, it is all very, very dimly lit, cleverly hidden, and only a few suggestive sounds occur here and there. (Kind of like in PG-13 movies that don't want to step over the line.)
314: Have the whole season take place in Nova Scotia and have Marwan come back with and army of evil muntant- dinosaur-aliens.
313: The terrorists release SUPER AIDS into the population.
312: CTU tries to stop terrorists from blowing up Dodger Stadium, but realizes that it's pointless because no one would die since the bomb isn't going to explode until the eigth inning, when everyone would have left the game already.
311: Mrs. Mandy Bauer.
310: Jack's old Game Boy Pocket finally breaks down after years of loyal service. Jack is grief stricken and sets out to make Nintendo re-release the Gamy Boy Pocket line, along wit the Game Boy color line, and conmtinue making games for these systems.
309: In the above scenario, Jack visits the Nintendo museum, and realizes how much he misses his old SNES. So Jack adds the SNES to his list.
308: Jack finds a glowing green crystal in his man-purse, and follows it to the north pole, where a great crystal fortress appears and Jack sees his real father talking to him about where he came from. A far-distant planet called "Killalot."
307: Chloe's computer explodes while she is sleeping, with her head on the desk inches from her computer. Thus, she dies.
306: The above happens at the end of episode twelve, purly for shock value. It turned out ot be a computer malfunction. After one quick line, it is never mentioned again.
305: CTU blows up. Everyone but Jack dies. It is never mentioned again.
304. The explosion in the gasworks causes a doorway to a parallel universe to open. Jack accidentally gets pulled into this alternate reality, where he discovers CTU is actually run by Chechnian seperatists and Teri and Nina are both still alive. Jack decided to stay there and have fun ... Yeah Baby!!!!
303. Superman takes care of everything.
302. Jack Bauer doesn't kill anyone.
301. Jack Bauer is inserted with a chip that gives him a shock everytime he says "dammit"
300. Jack Bauer changes his name to Frankenstein.
299. Jack Bauer is actually the son of god, who ends the world in an apocalyptic rage after having his left eyebrow plucked by a chinesse interrogator.
298. Jack Bauer is actually the son of god, who converts half the western world into Bauism, thus plunging the US into another Civil War.
297. Curtis decides to punish everyone in LA for their predecessors parts in slavery.
296. CTU become a wrestling foundation, with Mike Novic as lead commentator.
295. Morpheus becomes head of CTU, in a brilliant weak plot hiding move, as every decision he has to make is met with a 20 minute psudo-philisophical speech to / debate with frank the CTU mouse.
294. Frank the CTU mouse is actually a mole.
293. Bill dies his hair darker to look younger.
292. Jacks bag is pink.
291. DAMMIT..!! turns into DARN IT..!!
290. Remember that season of Dallas when Patrick Duffy's character died at the end of one season...they couldn't bring him back to life like in 24 so at the end of the next season they said that it was all a dream.
289. The unexplained disappearance of a small town up the coast is investigated by Jack & Co. and they meet up with a strange man claiming to be more than 200 years old who lives in an abandoned hotel. They join forces to combat an odd terrorist plot which is orchestrated by a powerful LA based law firm.
288. It's a bank holiday and Audrey has a violent case of the flu so she asks Jack to find her some medicine. Not an easy task since all the chemists and doctor's surgeries are closed.
287. Jar-Jar Binks takes over as new director of CTU.
286: Qui-Gon Jin takes over as technology supervisor. He quickly gets fed up and kills his director, Jar-Jar.
285: Jack becomes a Harry Potter fan and spends his terrorist killing money on fan merchandise
284: The evil guy is Voldemort; and Chloe ends up killing him with a AK (interpret it as you like)
283: Jack turns in Jack Sparrow and grows dreadlocks.
282: Bill goes into CTU to practice his wedding vows to Karen Hayes; then resurrects Teri Bauer.
282: Mike Novic joins the KKK.
281: The Soviets rise up again and the terrorist threat is Yuri from Red Alert 2.
280. Pamela Anderson guest stars and the entire season is shot in slow motion.
279. The new terrorist finally realizes the err of his ways, apologizes to Jack and co. and takes them all out for a night of bowling and wings.
278. Kirk Cameron guest stars to tell everyone about how the terrorists are God's wrathful vengeance on Earth for eating too many Twinkies.
277. Rev. Jim Phelps guest stars for much the same reason, except substitute "Twinkies" with "gays".
276. Half way through the new season, Jack start to talk Chinese with a perfect accent and the sub-titles are badly translated, thus adding to the confusion of why the hell Jack is even speaking Chinese to begin with.
275. Jack is forced to join an elite camp of specially trained Chinese soldiers. Their mandate? To play dodgeball!
274. A weak terrorist plot is thwarted early by Jack & Co. so they spend the remaining 19 hours playing 80s board games. Jack loses all his clothes to a sexy TV producer in a game of Strip Mouse Trap.
273. Jack does a William Shatner 'Rocketman' tribute...
272. Ben Affleck appears...
271. Brokeback 24, starring Kiefer Sutherland and Charlie Sheen...
270. Howard Stern becomes an analyst at CTU and asks all the women to work topless.
269. Erin Driscoll returns.
268. Secretary of Defense Heller reveals that he is actually Aquaman.
267. Zoidberg becomes the new CTU clinic doctor (wait, are we sure that's a bad thing?)
266. The new threat is an alien invasion and they blame it on the Middle East.
265. Jack gets tortured to death only to be resurrected to be tortured some more(like in season 2)
264. Chloe discovers the secret to world peace.
263. Chloe's new assistant is Drew Carey.
262. Season 6 takes place on "Dress like a Superhero Day" at the office.
261. Jack commanderes a Carnival Cruise ship, demands it to be turned around, only to find that it came from China like everything else in the U.S.
260. Curtis makes a debut rap album.
259. The new President is black.
258. Audrey is on board the Chinese freighter.
257. Season 6 is a spin-off called CTU : Belgium.
256. The show is renamed Law & Order: CTU and focuses on the trial of Logan
255. Still mourning Edgar's death, Chloe does nothing but cry and taser herself.
254. Jack Bauer has a sex change and is now being played by Stockard Channing
253. It's a Freaky Friday and Kiefer plays Kim in Jack's body and Elisha Cuthbert plays Jack in Kim's body.
252. The day's threat is Jack rescuing the characters from "Lost"
251. The season is filmed in black and white.
250. The season is a prequel that takes place 120 years ago in the Old West. It focuses on the adventures of Chuck Bauer and Jose Almeida.
249. The season's villian is played by tennis commentator Mary Carillo. When they talk to her on the phone, they can't tell if she's a man or a woman.
248. Jack wakes up in a Chinese prison and finds out that his cell mate is MacGyver.
247. MacGyver constructs an airplane in the prison cell that will get their asses back to the states.
246. Chuck Norris takes Jacks place as the hero of the day.
244. Jack records an acoustic version of David Hasselhoffs "Lookin for freedom" in a Chinese prison.
243. The Chinese let Bauer go in the first episode, but only if he is "really really sorry" and promises to "never do it again".
242. They give Jack an extended monologue like he used to have at the start of the first season episodes. The rub? The monologues are 13 minutes long and have to do with the decline in carrot sales in the Eastern United States.
241. Mr. T replaces Kiefer Sutherland and no one is any the wiser.
240. Mr. T escapes from the Chinese prison by pitying the guards to death.
239. They decide to get rid of the commercials altogether and show what people are doing during them. As it turns out, everyone at CTU goes to the can and eats meals like clockwork. Who knew?
238. Sam Fisher saves Jack from prison and it is revealed that old men really can still be action heroes.
237. Same deal, except it's Pierce Brosnon doing the rescuing.
236. Same deal again except this time it's Ethan Hunt/Tom Cruise who is doing the rescuing. He then takes fifteen minutes to explain how he is not crazy, how Scientology is actually kind of rad and how taking any medication at all will send you to hell where Satan will rape you into eternity. Also, he says he is not gay several times.
235. Same deal except its Solid Snake doing the rescuing, and suddenly the plot becomes riddled with random philosophical ramblings about war and conspiracy.
234. Jodie Sweetin shows up to give a lecture about how great crystal meth is and how she has gotten to her high standing in society because of it.
233: Jack has been crippled for life by his Chinese captors and spends the whole season in a wheelchair, neckbrace, plastercast and eye patch.
232: Chloe is already dead, got hit by a bus 4 months before the start of the season. SHOCKING!
231: A stash of video recorded messages by David Palmer are found, allowing him to appear in all 24 episodes.
230: Jack has an appalling long haircut, similar to the Day 5 prequel.
229: Jack gets a tooth broken in episode 3 and whistles while he speaks for the rest of the day. Like Jack Lemon in the out of towners.
228: The whole thing is set in China, but is quite obviously still filmed in LA.
227: Jack's never before hinted at 28 year old (I know that makes it impossible, but what do I care?) son appears. Problem is solved by the exchange:
Chloe: I never knew Jack had a son.
Curtis: Well he does, deal with it.
OR
Curtis: I didn't know Jack has a son
Chloe: Duh!
226: Jack gets killed, shot gun to the head. Doctors confirm he is dead. He is brought to a mortuary where a post mortem is conducted, cause of death, shotgun to the head. His body is put into one of those freezers where he wakes up, bashes his way out, kills all the doctors by stabing things in their neck and continues with the day. It is never mentioned ever again.
225. Jack escapes from China only to be captured by the Germans for ripping off Theo Stoller. He is interrogated by an 80 year old man with white hair (whom everybody thought was dead) who proceeds to ask the question "Is it safe?" while playing with Jack's teeth.
224. Theo Stoller reappears and chases Jack for a few episodes before getting bored. He instead decides to buy a boat and starts sailing around the world. Unfortunately, he crashes on a mysterious island in the South Pacific where he spends his time repeatedly entering a sequence of numbers into an antiquated 1970's computer.
223. Jack returns to CTU and is again partnered with his old assistant Tom Baker. Unfortunately, a blow to the cranium has caused Baker to forget how to speak English, and can now only comunicate in Korean. Nobody knows what he's saying most of the time... yeah I should probably stop there.
222. We find out that Eddie Bauer is Jack's long lost brother.
221. There are 25 1-hour episodes...
220. Jack joins Scientology...
219. Jack is revealed to be the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard...
218. Jack's mission is to stop Ben Affleck from releasing yet another crappy movie...
217. Jack's mission is to get Tom Cruise out of the closet within 24 hours otherwise L. Ron Hubbard will return...
216. All Jack's scenes take place on the ship, with him sneaking around trying to escape. The twist at the end being he is caught again in a virtual repeat of the end of season 5.
215. The main villain is the Cigarette Smoking Man.
214. The new threat is Uwe Boll directing another video game-based movie.
213. The british guy from season 3 (or any other deceased villian for that matter) turns out to still be alive.
212. The Millennium group was behind everything.
211. (in honor of the number) Jack is given 5 minutes to extract info from an ED 209 machine.
210. Jack's new catchphrase "I'll buy that for a dollar"
209. The secret agent who is also in LOST returns to kick Jacks ass for giving him fake goods.
208. Gael Ortega turns out to still be alive and is now hooked on the white powder.
207. The entire day will follow Jacks attempt to escape, and will also cover a typical CTU plot. The two stories will merge perfectly in the dying seconds of the last episode.
206. Chloe and Audrey are caught conspiring in the women's bathroom. Both endure hours of torture before Audrey finally cracks. She ordered Chloe to hack the staff lunchroom menu so the staff got Lasagne on Thursdays. In return she would rig the Secret Santa, so Chloe didn't get Bill again. He's impossible to buy for.
205. In an attempt to bend genres, the writers have vampires take over L.A. In the middle of the disaster, President Wayne Palmer reveals to Jack that he is really not Wayne Palmer, just a Wayne lookalike named Robin Wood, former principal of Sunnydale High, 10 minutes from CTU. He then tells Jack he has known about vampires for years and procedes to introduce Jack to a mysteriously kickass blonde named Buffy. Crossover madness ensues.
204. Jack vs The Devil.
203. Jack falls in love with Palmer and vice versa, Jack becomes first lady.
202. Jack tries to cancel his AOL account and ends up blowing up the building.
201. Audrey dumps Jack for Lance Bass who tells her that he's gay...Angry, Jack kills every member (former member) of N' Sync
200. The Earth finally explodes and Season 6 takes place on the moon.
199. After said Earth explosions happen, Jack has to stop terrorists from blowing up the first Lunar Lander. One small step for man, one giant bullet for the terrorists.
198. The next terrorist plot takes place at a university and Jack has to go undercover at a keg party. By the end of the season, everyone is blitzed and Jack tells Bill Buchanan that he "really is a great guy, man".
197. The new story revolves around the new 24 game and Jack et al have to make sure the game ships on time.
196. They set the plot in Canada. The big terrorist threat? To blow up beer factories and ice rinks.
195. The entire season is animated in 3-D. Unfortunately they use the same computers used to animate the Dire Straits music video Money For Nothing.
194. After animating Season 6, they use Owen Wilson as the confused sounding voice of Jack instead of Kiefer Sutherland. Tom Hanks guest stars.
193. Carrot Top guest stars as the most annoying CTU analyst ever, more so then both Chloe and Crazy Sexual Harassment Girl.
192. The main villian is Vince McMahon...
191. CTU gets blown up AGAIN...
190. Homer Simpson is the new director of CTU...
189. Season 6 is actually Season 7, as Season 7 takes place a year before the events of Season 6...
188. Captain Underpants becomes the main hero after Jack hypnotizes the bald director of CTU into becoming the world’s greatest hero.
187. The whole Season 6 is about Jack getting tortured in China.
186. No comes to his rescue, he tells the Chinese everything he knows and is killed.
185. Because the have enough information, the Chineses destroy the U.S.A.
184. Season 6 is about Jack's childhood.
183. No one dies in Season 6!
182. CTU plays the Wizard of Oz soundtrack on a loop for 24 hours straight.
181. The season is based on William Shakespeare’s MacBeth.
180. The whole season is filmed extremely out of focus.
179. Jack shouting: "Yippekayey, *beep*
178. Bin Laden releases a tape claiming he's retiring
177. Jack chats with friends while on a coffee break
176. CTU, now a subsiduary Homeland Security, is absorbed by Comedy Central
175. Jack Bauer joins Brigardier General Jack O'Neill's SG-1 team and uses the StarGate to stop an Ori terrorist attack on the Jafaa homeworld Chulak
174. CTU is renamed CTC (Counter Terrorist Club).
173. Jack saying to a captured terrorist "You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to an attorney..."
172. A NON-urgent phone call for someone at CTU.
171. Jack yelling "EFF THIS $HIT" when on assignment.
170. Jack becomes Jigsaw.
169: Jack and the rest of CTU is put onto a desert island where they are fitted with exploding neckbands and must kill each other. Only one may leave the island.
168: Audrey dumps Jack the night before christmas, and Jack goes to a bar and gets wasted. In his drunk depression, Jack decides to steal Chirstmas.
167: In above scenario, Jack and the Grinch team up. Cindy Loo-Who comes out of her room with a machine gun and shoots them both. Jack is wearing a bullet proof vest, and as he holds the dying Grinch in his arms, he says "By Grand-Thar's hammer...you shall be avenged!" Jack opens one of the presents to find a machine gun, and as the clock draws nearer to the end of an hour, jumps up from behind the tree and opens fire.
166: In this scenario, Jack is caught and charged with two accounts; stealing christmas and pouring kool-aid all over the floor. (unbeknowst to the rest, the kool aid is actually the remains of Cindy Loo-Who.)
165: The entire season is acted out with legos.
164: Jack and Audrey have sex in the CTU boardroom for 12 hours straight while Chloe throws out rude comments at everyone and Curtis goes around trying to find his neighbor's lost kitten.
163: "24" becomes "42."
162: The day is spent with everyone trying to come up with a currencey for dogs and cats.
161: In this scenario, the currency plans are stolen by Jack's jealous high-school rugby rival Jimbo. Jack pries Jimbo's eyes out before Jimbo tells him where the currency plans are.
160: Jack and the rest of CTU take the day off to go see "Snakes on A Plane." When Sam Jackson says "I've had it with these mother****ing snakes on this mother****ing plane, everyone cheers and Jacks fires his gun into the air several times.
159: Because of this, they miss the next lines of dialouge. Jack kills the man in the projection booth and replays the scene over again. It take twenty tries before they can hear the line without cheering or discharging firearms.
158: Jack comes back to the US with a newfound love of foreign films, and makes CTU have a Chinese Film Festival every Tuesday.
157: Jack becomes a gigolo.
156: Jack meets Larry the Cable Guy and fart jokes are made for the next twelve hours straight before Jack shoots himself. Larry farts for the next six hours, and all the clocks including the season finale clock are done in Larry farts.
155. Jack forgets to set his alarm clock for work.
154: Jack wakes up next to a chess board and realises that it was all just a dream.
153: Jack logs onto IMDb and tracks down and kills all the trolls. Jack then resets the system so we can swear to our hearts content...
152: The opening scene show Jack trying to shut off a nuclear bomb, but it explodes killing him and everyone else in Los Angles.
151: Jack teams up with Fox Mulder and they get abducted by aliens.
150: Machines take over the world and Jack has to take orders from John Connor.
149: Jack is taken hostage by Hans Gruber and John McClain has to save him.
148: The season is cancelled 2 minutes into the show because they show Miles masturbating while watching a porno.
147: 24 in space! The adventures of the CTU space division!
146: George Lucas is the villain. Lucas is returning to the states to once again screw with the Star Wars trilogy AND set of a bomb destorying all laserdiscs and VHS in the world, and bootleg DVD's, so that the Original star wars trilogy will be destroyed forever! Jack has 24 hours to stop him or Star Wars as we know it will be gone forever!
145: Hilary Duff guest stars.
144: Linday Lohan guest stars.
143: Amanda Bynes guest stars.
142: Frankie Munz guest stars.
141: Worst of all, Chad-Michael Murray guest stars...It's attack to the teenyboppers!
140: 24 gets a hip rap theme song with a bunch of weird color alterations on favorite scenes. Jack gets so fed up thirty seconds in, he kills everyone responsible for it.
139: Jack Bauer is on the hunt for Lincoln Burrows and Michael Scofield after there escape from prison.
138. Cast John Cho from Harold and Kumar as the new Chinese Consul.
137. Mention the word nuclear during the course of the season.
136. Jack runs out of gas when driving to the terrorist's hideout.
135. Jack returns but it is never mentioned until the season finale
Audrey "O yeah about China..."
[Season ends]
134. 24 gets a laugh track.
[Jack jumps through window]
Jack "Mind if I DROP IN!!!!!!"
[recorded laughter ensues]
133. A terrorist is surrounded in building and CTU has put up a net around the area. The terrorist makes a run for it and in minutes is arrested by LAPD!!!!!!!
132: Jack Bauer gets a goofy black sidekick who uses a swear word twice in each sentance ala Rush Hour.
131: The season starts with Jack on a camping trip, when a terrorist starts a forest fire. When Jack finally catches the culprit in the season finale, he kills him and turns to the camera. Then he says "Only YOU can prevent forest fires." Cue silent clock.
130: It turns out there was a miscount and we're not actually on number 130!!!
129: IMDb shuts down the night before the season premiere, so we can't chat about the episodes.
128: Mr. Anderson doesn't do his parodies, 24 in 2.4 Minutes!
127. The entire season is aired in reverse order.
126. While talking to Chloe on his cell phone, Jack says, "Can you hear me now? Good!"
125. the guys from Dude Where's My Car? show up and Jack spends 10 episodes looking for it.
124. Bill Buchanan's mentally ill daughter is brought into CTU medical where she
eventually commits suicide. Distraught over hiss loss, he leaves CTU and is replaced by Erin Driscoll.
123. Chloe has the stomach flu and runs to the bathroom to vomit once per episode.
122. Chloe doesn't say anything blunt or sarcastic and never makes the Chloe scowl.
121. Barry Landes is hired as CTU's clinical psychologist.
120. They kill off a major character that we've come to love over the course of four or five seasons, and then fail to silence the clock at the end.
119. Kumar takes Jack and Curtis to (where else?)White Castle. Several White Castle employees are tortured when Jack's burger is overcooked. "I asked for medium rare dammit!! This is well done!" Kumar then feeds Jack a few "special" brownies, and Jack spends the next few hours constantly asking Curtis, "Dude, Where's my CTU vehicle?"
118. The whole season is Jack looking for his lost kitten, Bubbles.
117: Jack doesn't bomb the offices of 4Kids entertainment and kill all its employees.
116: Jack watches Titanic (taking four episodes) and cries for the next ten episodes.
115. Jack Bauer lost his gun and must wait out a 72 hour background check for the replacement
114. Audrey's slacker brother returns as the main villan and threatens to have sex with every man in LA unless marijuana is legalized.
113. CTU installs a mole detector which flags every CTU employee.
112. Jack Bauer gets amnesia, but retains his amazing torturing skills.
111. Jack Bauer versus the Amazing X-Men. Halle Barry is brought in as an ill fated love interest.
110. Jack Bauer does not return for Season 6 and is never mentioned again.
109. Jack Bauer find himself captaining an interplanetary mercenary ship where the crew swears in Chinese. He finds himself strangely attracted to the handsome young ship's doctor. They make a stop in planet Deadwood in hour 3 and meets a ruthless saloon/whorehouse owner with a Shakespearean command of swear words.
108. Jack Bauer is recruited as the 13th member of a billion dollar Las Vegas heist. He shoots the heist's leader's wife for ditching him at the alter.
107. Jack is cryogenically frozen for a thousand years and must now work as a 31st century delivery boy.
106. HBO picks up "24" and demand 60 minute long "real time" episodes. Everybody is killed by their exploding bladder.
105. Kim is accidentally married to both her cousin and a cougar. Fox News pundit decries the marriages as the natural result of legalizing gay marriage.
104. Jack converts to fundamental Mormonism and convinces Kate Warner, Audrey Raines, and Chloe O'Brien to join him as sister wives.
103. Jack kills Kim in the first 10 minutes and then spends the rest of day not feeling guilty about it.
102. 10 of the episodes will feature only real time feeds from C-SPAN and C-SPAN 2.
101. In hour 2 Audrey is revealed as the secret identity of an incredibly neurotic super heroine. In hour 5 we discover Jack's universe is on the brink of destruction as the Monitor and the Anti-Monitor battles it out.
100. The Chinese make a pirated copy of Jack Bauer.
99. John Woo is hired to direct season 6 and casts Chow Yun-Fat as Jack's sidekick. CTU runs out of bullets.
98. Bryan Singer is brought on as an executive producer/writer. The "24" board gets crowded with trolls decrying the "gaying up" of Jack Bauer.
97: Jack burns the flag.
96: Jack is the new head of CTU, and will kill anyone who eats anything but chinese food.
95. Chloe can't update anything on Jack's PDA because he network DROPPED THE CALL.
94. Audrey Reines isnt mauled to death by a tiger
93. It wasnt nerve gas, it was sleeping gas! Edgar survives coffin burial by consuming his own fat.
92. Jack's mission is to kill Kiefer Sutherland.
91. CTU gets hard intel from a giant and a dancing dwarf who speaks backwards.
90: Chloe still fails to learn the art of voice-projection and we once again have to strain our ears to extract a coherent word from her every sentence... *BREATHS IN*
89. After escaping from prison Jack decides to take the day off and have a 24 marathon.
88. Jack is infected with a posion that will kill him if he doesn't keep his adrenaline up...so on and so forth.
87. Jack crashes the emmys right as Kiefer Sutherland is giving his acceptance speech.
86. Bill Buchanan develops feelings for Chloe and they get together by the end of the season.
85. Jack's hair continues to get shorter.
84. When Jack's eating a sandwich, he accidentally bites his tongue, and from that point onwards he speaks with a lisp (thereby filling the void left by Edgar).
83. Bizarro "24" with Bizarro Jack, Bizarro Kim, Bizarro Chloe, and so on.
82. The Chinese tanker ship is hijacked by pirates. Chloe tracks the ship off to a small chain of islands off of the South China Sea. Can Curtis rescue Jack before Jack rescues himself?
81. Jack goes to Edna Mode and gets fitted for a superhero costume (no capes!).
80. Jack and Curtis are encumbered with a baby, hilarity ensues.
79. Jack runs out of canned spinach.
78. Kim falls into a tangle of poison ivy in hour 2 and spends the rest of the 24 hours looking like hell.
77. CTU orders pizza for their staff but all the pizzas arrive topped in anchovies.
76. CTU attracts new employees by adding breast implants and botox injections to their healthcare plan.
75. Jack finds himself trapped on an island inhabited by beautiful warrior women, whose leader demand he snu-snu the entire population within the next 24 hours.
74: Jack is shot and wakes up to find a lot of stuff not making sense, and then finds out it was a hallucination on his way to the ER.
73. The next president of the USA elected is a Female... If that was the case there will be no need for a season 6 because it seems that all the stuff ups are made by Ego filled men.
72. CTU personnel are replaced by the cast of Jackass, with unrestricted access to the interrogation facilities.
71. Secretary Heller returns with his annoying presence once again.
69. The Chinese freeze jack in carbonite for 1000 years. He awakens to find the galaxy in the hands of dictator. Pretty much 24...IN SPACE.
68. Jack Bauer Gets elected president of the USA, and if so there will be no need for a season 6 because everyone would be scared sh*tless him.
67. What's behind the days threat? Crab People!
66. Jacks mission is to kill spongebob.
65. Jack teams up with Cubby to fight the invading hippos. In an exciting plot twist, Jack finds out the hippos were sent by the Chinese.
64. Jack starts using reverse psychology on the terrorists.
Jack: Tell me who you’re working for!
Terrorist: No!
Jack: Fine then, don’t tell me who your working for. I didn’t want to know anyway.
Terrorist: You didn’t? Well then I guess I can tell you.
63. Jack loses his voice by hour three due to all his yelling. He spends the rest of the day miming everything, much to the amusement of everyone at CTU.
62. chase returns and has 1 billion babies and gets so caught up in nursering them, he isn't in the season at all
61. in the climax, they have to drive as fast as they can to the bad guy base and get caught in rush hour.
60. Kim gets chased by another cougar
59. Kim gets kidnapped by a bear who’s working for president palmer.
58. Jack Bauer gives up to play a game of hop-scotch
57. Jack Bauer goes on American idol.
56. Jack goes on 'who wants to be a super hero' and loses to fat mama
55. Jack and the main bad guy are in a climactic dule and then jack falls asleep
54. The show takes place on daylight savings time and is called '25'
53. Jack Bauer Becomes a Pimp.
52. John Waters writes every episode for the whole season. (shudder)
50. 24 is a Christmas Special. And involves helping Santa. Aw hell, and torturing elves too.
48. Jack meets Steve Irwin in lalaland
47. Jack grows an uncontrollable hunger for dead women in China, and decides to temporarily kill himself so that he could join Princess Diana, Marilyn Monroe and Katherine Hepburn, Elizabeth I and Cleopatra amongst others.
46. Bullet Time.
45. Super Powers.
44: The writers send in the clowns
43: Chloe goes Rambo... oh wait, that already happened... hmmm: Chloe goes Rambo II
42: Jack goes Superman and flies back to LA
41: The writers change the title into '12' and only write 12 eps.
40. The show is cancelled halfway through the season.
39. Jack kills the cameraman and everything goes dark for half an hour while they find a new cameraman.
38. Jack meets Yogurt and learns the way of the Shwartz.
37. Jack is shot and wakes to meet a British man named Devon. Devon then Jack that at the behest of someone named Wilson Knight he has had Jack's face reconstructed so that he can have a new identity, sexy loner Michael Knight (who surprisingly looks like David Hasselhoff). "Michael" then goes to work for a new government agency, FLAG (the foundation for law and government ) His partner? A talking car named KITT (knight idustries two thousand) Micheal and KITT use KITT's turbo boost every episode to battle terrorism and keep the world the safe...
36. Jack returns from China to find Audrey has married someone else. He spends the next 23 and 1/2 hours standing under her window holding a boom box blasting Peter Gabriel music.
35. Jack gets a new face, Nicholas Cage's face.
34. Linkin Park feature on the soundtrack.
33. The whole soundtrack is done with the Mario bros. theme.
32. Special guest stars Britney Spears and Kevin Federline as Jack Bauer's white-trash cousins.
31. Chinese makes Jack star in an Asian porno flick.
30. "Kiefer, this isn't working out. We're going to kill Jack and focus on Kim instead."
29: They focus on one of the CTU desks for 24 hours. And then the phone rings and the last three seconds of the season tick away. That would be the major cliffhanger.
28: Superman saves the day, and 14 hours are spent on an extended version of "Can you read my mind?"
27: Terrance and Phillip from South Park are the villains.
26: The entire seasons is spoken in lymmerick.
25: All lines of dialogue are Haiku.
24: The entire seasons is done in bullet time. Even Chloe answering the phone or typing on her computer.
23: The show becomes a sitcom, with each hour being its own self contained plot where various relationships play out and they all visit a coffee shop.
22: They don't tie Graham into the story.
21: Jack Bauer is in a car crash and becomes Inspector Gadget.
20. CTU Lost Boys style. Jack Bauer grows a mullet, gets an earing, wears two oversized jackets, and rides a small motorbike around while trying to get random people to join CTU. Some chinese food, "wine", and trippy acid shots of the CTU office ensue. Jack says "be one of us," a lot.
19. Kiefer Sutherland doesn't dress strangely metrosexually on the bonus disc (did anyone else notice the strange amount of knit turtlenecks and tight cotton/spandex blend shirts he wears?)
18. Jack doesn't have a new girlfriend during the entire season (Teri, Nina, Kate, Audrey, Dianna Huxely, Claudia, ... am I forgetting someone?)
17. Anyone attempting an inter-office relationship. It never works out well.
16. Due to budgetary restraints, the show is 15 minutes long with 45 minutes of commercials.
15. The whole season is preformed with Muppets. There's a new guest star each episode!
14. We lose count again by the end of the countdown.
13. Jack has a new tattoo of a My Little Pony
12. President Palmer, Michelle, and Tony are really alive, it was their clones that got killed.
11. Kim is seen teaching nuclear physics to a class of professors
10. Find out that Jack was thrown overboard on the way to China and send in new crack CTU operative David Hasselhoff (complete with leather jacket and mullet) to deal with a new terrorist threat.
9. Bauer and Bourne Scrap for real.
8. Kim DOESN'T get topless in at least one scene.
7. Jack has an arguemtent with Bill about how many episodes were in the original Star Trek series.
THERE WERE 72!!!
NO, 73 GODDAMMIT!!!!
Jack then shoots Bill.
6. Jack teams up with John McClane to kick some terrorist AS-S!
5. Edgar comes back and his explanation for dying is "it was my Siamese twin brother, Eddy, you saw die.”
4. Edgar then marries Chloe.
3. David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson guest star in a 24/X-files crossover.
2. Donald Sutherland guest stars as someone who is NOT related to Jack. ("NO WE ARE NOT RELATED, WE JUST LOOK ALIKE!")
1. Bill Buchanon & Karen Hayes have sex, ON CAMERA!!!
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